sueeeus

It’s not just the end of a year, but the end of a decade.

A decade!

Many momentous happenings.

• The birth of a nephew, and with it, an epiphany that changed my life;  saved my life, even
• The death of a brother
• The birth, life, and death of a marriage; my marriage
• The realization of motherhood; the birth of my two sons
• First teeth, first words, first steps
• Travels in far off places — Italy!  France!  Australia!
• New friends in faraway places; friends in the blogosphere
• Professional growth
• A new car
• A home of my own
• The end of my parents’ marriage
• New love and marriage for my mother
• The beginning and end of a marriage for my brother
• A new nephew; the realized dream of motherhood for my sister
• Two other brothers married
• A new niece on the way; the realized dream of fatherhood for my brother

Much love, sorrow, and joy, these past ten years, but overall, much, much joy.

Adieu, 2009.

Adieu.

My garage door opener is acting up.  As is my coffee machine.  As is my bathroom light.  I wonder if they are on the same circuit?  Unlikely.

Yesterday I couldn’t get my garage door to open.  My front door has a deadbolt lock and an extra security bolt that is always, always engaged.  For security.  But when the garage door won’t open, and one needs to enter the house, what can one do?  There is the third bay for which I actually have a key, but Gadget’s got it so jam packed full of crap that there is absolutely no way to enter.  Hopefully he’ll clear that out soon enough, but for now, it’s of no help.  I might also mention that the electrical panel is on the far wall of that bay, so there will be no repairing of faulty light switches for the time being.

We have a fenced back with locked access gates.  Luckily, the lock was not engaged, so I was able to make it to the back yard and begin scoping the windows in hopes that I’d left one unlocked and unbarred.  We have wood blocks in the window tracks as an added security measure.  All this security.  The stars must have been in alignment, because there was, in fact, an unlocked and unblocked window.  Granted, I destroyed the window screen in my zeal.  Okay, two window screens.  I was thrilled to get in, but also felt vulnerable, wondering how long that window had been left in that state.  I immediately locked it, then went to investigate the garage door situation.  The main controller worked perfectly (opened the door), so what did I do?  I went outside and tried the outside controller again.  It worked!  Yes, it closed the door.  But would it open again?  No.  NO!  Did I mention that I had just locked myself out?  IDIOT.

I scoped the house again, to no avail.  I kept trying the controller, to no avail.  I tried the outside wall controller.  I tried the remote.  I tried the built in car remote.  Nothing.  I kept pushing buttons, and finally, FINALLY, the door opened.  By the grace of God.  I immediately unbolted the front door’s security bolt, so that I could let myself in WITH MY KEY, if I should lock myself out again.  And commenced troubleshooting the garage door system.  Again.  I couldn’t get the remotes to work again, after that.

The antenna is clearly visible.  The main controller works fine.  The sensors are aligned.  One might think perhaps the remote is in need of a new battery, but all three?  The car remote is integrated with the car itself, and would not be low on power.   They should be independent of each other, so that a low battery in one shouldn’t affect them all.  What then?  I’m at a loss.

And today?  So far, it seems to be working normally.

I’m keeping the upper bolt open, though.  Just in case.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Meanwhile.  I’m on vacation.  I have a week off.  Before the week began, the prospect of a week seemed like wealth untold.  Now, I have four days left and I feel like it’s over before it began.  I’ve been watching TV on DVD, late at night, after the kids are asleep.  Mad Men, seasons 1 and 2.  Drama.  It caught my attention and I enjoyed it.  Arrested Development.  I’m working on season 2.  That one makes me laugh out loud now and then.  I can use that!

I took BB to see Avatar at the IMAX, in 3D last week.  It was amazing.  It was the first time I’d taken him to the thee-AY-doe (theater), and my heart just swelled when I’d see him reaching his hand out into space to try to touch the 3D images.  It was such a special treat, to go to the big screen.  At least, I wanted it to be a magical thing for him.  I know that I would have loved to have had such a treat in my own youth.  I actually almost want to go back and see it again, alone, so I can immerse myself in it more, rather than watch my boy watching it.  It was amazing, what I did see, but I was distracted, watching him.  He did great for a nearly 5 year old.  He was fidgety after the first hour, but he behaved himself.  I’m proud of him.

This morning I saw Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law.  It was fun.  I enjoyed it.  I love RDJ, anyway.  He’s fun to watch.

I’m thinking about going to see New Moon, before my week is up.  I’m feeling a bit movied out, yet may not have a window of opportunity again for quite some time.  I’m planning to visit the art museum on Wednesday, and have to take LB in for his second half of his H1N1 shot on Thursday. Friday is New Year’s day, and that’s the end of the week.  Over, just like that.  I had grand plans of movies, books, window shopping and coffee shops.  Maybe I can squeeze something in on Thursday, after the doctor visit.

I’m not very good at relaxing.

I just found out that I have to pay somewhere around 10k in state taxes to a state in which I don’t live, for property I sold five years ago, and for which I already paid nearly 20k to the federal government.

Boo.

Ignorance is not always bliss.

CRAP.

*~*~*~*~*

Updated to say that, in addition to owing tax, there is interest added on top of that.  I am seriously sick to my stomach.

It’s been quite a ride, the past few weeks.  Months.  Year.

And just now, Gadget came and got the kids for the very first time since his departure.  He’s taking them to see Santa at the mall, and to see his new place.  I have mixed feelings.  Happiness that he’s reaching out to them.  Relief to have a moment to myself.  Anxiety that they’re not in my hands.

I might not have felt so anxious had he not wrecked the truck two weeks ago.

Until then, he wasn’t playing nice.  And then.

It humbled him.  Before he was just acting out in anger, and being very childish and selfish (IMO).  After,  he was more broken and afraid.  The latter is more real, and I can see someone I recognize again, whereas the angry man was such a stranger.

The weekend after that, a pipe burst, and I had to call on him for help.  It was traumatic, but he came through.  And I appreciate it, probably much more than he knows or believes.  I told him as much, but his ears are mostly closed to me now.

And last week.  Work.  Oh, my goodness, work.  It was a momentous week.  We had first flight.  It’s a big, big deal, and it stirs some sort of pride in me, even though I’m far removed from anything specific to do with that effort.  Add to that an emergency server migration, and for icing on the cake, the maiden release of the software application that has consumed me for the better part of the year.  It doesn’t sound like much, when parsed into these few words, but for me, it’s huge.

I was and am so close to an emotional meltdown.  The sheer exhaustion resulting from the pressures and strains from all aspects of life of late.  It’s a lot to bear, and I try to take it in stride, and carry it gracefully.

Of course it all culminates during the holiday season, which in and of itself is a time when depression and stress tend to surface with a vengeance.

BB and I were talking about Christmas, and how exciting it is to wake up on Christmas morning and open your stocking to see what Santa brought.  I started to tell him about how, as children, we’d be SO excited, and we weren’t allowed to open any presents until our parents were up and ready, but we were allowed to take our stockings.  Oh, the joy, wonder and excitement.  And I burst into tears, just thinking about our ratty tatty stockings, and what my destitute mother must have had to go through emotionally every year, to try and find a way to make Christmas for nine children a magical event.  She always pulled it off, though.  It was always wondrous for me, and I think it was as well for the others.

How fortunate my children are, not to know poverty.  Yet, dire straits can teach some great life lessons about the true value of life experiences in contrast with material things.  I know I overindulge them, but I hope I will always be able to temper it.  I hope I can teach them to be considerate of others and not to be selfish.

BB asked me if Santa was going to bring just one present or a whole bunch.  I told him I didn’t know, that we’d have to wait and see.  I bought myself a little time.  Help!  Part of me wants to establish the Santa ground rules.  Does Santa just bring one present?  What if other kids will get lots of presents from Santa?  How does one sort out the comparisons?  So far there is nothing under the tree except things for other people.  What to do.  I’m tempted to say that Santa brings just one present.  If that’s the case, maybe I can put some things under the tree now, and that will be exciting for them to see.  Oh, what to do, what to do.

It’s only hair.  It grows back.

He wanted the Stegosaurus, but it’s more like a cockatoo.  Or one of those little yapper dogs.  I forget what they’re called.  And his little brother, well, it was all I could do to just trim the sides, so he gets the fauxhawk as well, intentional or not.  I practically had to hold him in a headlock.  Apparently he no longer likes the sound of the clippers.

Even so, my GOODNESS, my kids are gorgeous!!!  (Totally biased, I know.)

No worries, they look mostly normal without hair gel.  Aren’t the matching skull and crossbones bathrobes something?  All they need now is a heart tattoo with the word MOM emblazoned on their upper arms.  I actually have some temporary biker tattoos around here somewhere.  That would be fun, to give the grandmothers a fright.

This one gave his mother quite a scare.  Toddling is such a dangerous pastime, but he wasn’t even toddling when this mishap took place.  No, he was flat on the floor, whining and fussing, and jerked his head to show me he was mad and wanted more attention than I was giving him.  Only there was a bookcase in the way, and he smacked it hard.  I scooped him up instantly and the red line popped out instantly, and the goose egg burst forth instantly and this poor mother shed more tears than her injured babe.

It was alarming to see such a swell grow so quickly on his beautiful little head.  I soothed him and kept an eye on him for pupils dilating strangely and any other signs, and called the doctor.  Of course this happened on a Sunday, as all emergencies seem to take place outside of normal business hours.  By the time the on call doctor returned my call, he was calmed down and behaving normally, as evidenced by the photo above, and the doctor let me know the signs to look for over the next 24 hours, but that from the sounds of everything, he was fine.

And so he is.

I made him wear a helmet for the rest of the day, though.

(Until he figured out how to remove it.)

I love this age of conversation and reason.  He is nearly five, and he has so much to say.  He conveniently listens only when it suits him, but that may be what any normal child does.

I love to tease him!  Recently he’s shown a sensitivity to boy-girl teases.  In Monsters vs Aliens, there is a scene where Susan smooches Derek.  Now, if I say, “My name is Suuuuuuusan, and I’m going to smoochie smoochie you,” he runs and shrieks and covers his face and blushes, “NOOOOOOOOOO, Don’t DO that Mommy!”

He also thinks it’s funny that my name IS Susan.  He makes sure he tells every passerby, “My Mommy’s name is Suuuuuusan.”  And when asked what HIS name is, he responds without missing a beat, “Gallaxhar.”   Only it sounds like “Gow-ax-ove,” so I have to translate and explain, because, well, not everyone has seen Monsters vs Aliens.  Fifty. Thousand.  Times.

He memorizes full scenes.  “Derek, you are a selfish jerk.”  All the way to “Lime green jello with fourteen pieces of pineapple.”

All I have to say is a few obscure words from the movie and it will send him into giggles.  I love that!  I especially love his reaction when I say, “What the flagnar!”  –He gets very animated and tells me, “Don’t SAY that!”   It’s swearing, after all.   We’re working on his vocabulary of approved expressions.  “Oh shoot.”  “Holy Cheezits.”  “Darn-it.”  “Goodness gracious.”   I get severely reprimanded if I say “Dammit,” even when justified after severely stubbing my toe on something.

what the flagnar!

I wonder if I should be concerned that he usually wants to be the villain.  Darth Vader.  Megatron.  Gallaxhar.  Maybe it’s just a male leadership testosterone thing, and not the makings of a future sociopath.

He’s very much into make-believe right now.  I hear him talking to Susan and Gallaxhar, or about them to an imaginary somebody.  He integrates bits of reality.  Recently, he was telling an imaginary someone that Susan and Gallaxhar were dead because they got in a car crash from a drunk driver.

Sometimes he gets things spot on.  “Daddy is being a selfish jerk.”

I don’t want the grown ups’ differences to wrench at the kids, and I want to keep them shielded from my personal emotional unrest with their dad, which is at times very difficult to hide.  So I tell him, “Daddy is just going through a hard time right now and he’s angry, and sometimes when people are angry, they act like that.  Hopefully Daddy will feel better soon.”

And I mean that.

It’s a rough ride for him, being forced to grow up and move into the world on his own, my forty two year old teenager.  Life is much different when you have to concern yourself with accountability and responsibility, when you have to make your own way, pay your own bills.  Anger is probably much easier to work with than fear, uncertainty, and despair.  So anger he manifests, but I can see the frightened boy, and my heart breaks for him, but I have to let  him go.  I have to stay this course.

It’s so very hard, and there’s no easy way through.

Just a very short installment on the assness of the assness of late.

The internet and cable TV/DVR (Comcast) is in his name, and rather than do the civil and simple thing of meeting at the Comcast store and changing the financial responsibility for the equipment from him to me, he took the equipment and told me he’d cancelled the service.

But I called Comcast and no such stop service was ordered.  Not only have I confirmed that I married a liar, I can’t cancel it, since it’s not in my name (seems like it’s MY HOUSE, so I should be able to cancel it, but no, sorry ma’am, we can’t authorize a cancellation) and I can’t order new service until the existing service is cancelled.

So.  He called back a day later and said he’d return the equipment (no doubt realizing that when he went to cancel, he’d be expected to pay the last month’s fee, so why not give me back the equipment and let me pay it).   I expected him to return the equipment that night or the next day.  But days go by.  No calls.  No return of the equipment.  No return of my fifty thousand calls.  No cancellation.   Nothing.  It’s been a full week now.  And now the service bill is past due, on top of everything else.

Meanwhile, he KNOWS I work from home two days a week and that I absolutely can’t without broadband.  He also knows that this happens to be the single most critical time for me to be able to support long work hours with the culmination of my project nigh on the horizon, and I can’t do that if I have to physically be at the office, because I absolutely have to leave by 4:30 in order to make it to daycare on time.

I can’t do what I do via dial-up.

I can order DSL, but I don’t want DSL.  Besides, I would also have to reconfigure my router and I don’t want to do that.  Such a hassle.

It’s very hard to remain cool and composed when I am so irritated.

I’m still planning on taking the high road through all this, but arggggghhhhhh, it’s very frustrating.