sueeeus

I love how music and art carry fragments of the soul language that ties us all together.  I swim in it and my mind and body melt into the sound and we all become one, floating in the river of allness.  Emotions flow in and out and all around, and it’s a beautiful and healing immersion.

You ask me where did I fall — I’ll say I can’t tell you when.

But if my spirit is lost, how will I find what is near?  Don’t question, I’m not alone; Somehow I’ll find my way home.

My sun shall rise in the east, so shall my heart be at peace.  And if you’re asking me when, I’ll say it starts at the end.  You know your will to be free is matched with love, secretly.  And talk will alter your prayer.  Somehow you’ll find you are there!

Your friend is close by your side, and speaks in far ancient tongue.  A season’s wish will come true.  All seasons begin with you.  A world we all come from, one world –we melt into one!  Just hold my hand and we’re there!  Somehow we’re going somewhere!

–Jon & Vangelis

I sure love that song.  

I’ve been working on an inventory of words that describe aspects of my relationships, in order to help identify things. Needs. Boundaries. Expectations. That sort of thing. It started with a list of all the words that I could think of that could describe what I didn’t like about a particular relationship or even situation. While thinking of those, it brought to mind thoughts of what drew me into those particular relationships or situations, and a new list emerged. And as I was thinking of all of these things, a new set of words emerged. Words to describe what was missing.

The Bads and Uglies, in no particular order

unaffectionate, aloof, emotionally unavailable, arrogant, insecure, uncommunicative, irresponsible, undisciplined, exploitative, inexpressive, indecisive, sexist, incompetent, foolish, unintelligent, narrow-minded, critical, narcissist, pseudo-intellectual, fraud, liar, cheater, secretive, lazy, uncheerful, snarly, stubborn, brash, selfish, self-centered, impulsive, overbearing, self-absorbed, callous, insensitive, desperate, inconsiderate, competitive, judgmental, bigoted, religious, domineering, dis-compassionate, boring, uninteresting, uninspired, reckless, unmotivated, pessimistic, unambitious, cruel, abusive, abrasive, loud, controlling, drunk, dishonest, disorderly, impatient, codependent, contemptuous

The Goods, in no particular order

fun, smart, energetic, confident, enthusiastic, musical, creative, exotic, interesting, cultural, helpful, gourmet, playful, devoted, communicative, expressive, hard-working, strong, capable, sensual

The Missings, in no particular order

connection, competence, intimacy, affection, trust, laughter, joy, honesty, heart, spirit, empathy, kindness, grace, safety, intellect, compassion, openness, mirth, freedom

Something important that I discovered during this exercise is that for every bad and ugly on the list, I can recall instances in life where I have exhibited those attributes, attitudes, or behaviors. I am no saint, and I am human. All of these things help me to understand the importance of boundaries (which will hopefully help me to actually learn how to establish them), and of equal importance, the missing things to hold in focus as I continue to navigate through life.

I’ve been thinking about being born again, and what it’s like, in order to somehow describe it, and came to see it as a moment of complete surrender. A holy conviction. In that surrender of your heart, you open it and find yourself in a river of golden light, and at that moment you understand you are one with The Everything and that you, your heart, is safe. It is like a switch in your innermost awareness and consciousness. From that moment you know. You know that you know that you know that you know. You’ve literally seen the light, been in the light, been the light. You are transformed. Born again. You’ve been given your holy conviction. As I write these thoughts, I see an image like Tinkerbell or the Fairy Godmother, and a twinkling flash from the tip of her wand as the gift is bestowed.

We are given that spark in many different ways. To some, through meditation. To some, through music. To some, through nature. To some, through numbers. To some, though Jesus.

I wonder what happens in that moment. It’s like it’s an orgasm of the soul. Maybe our indigenous DMT is released. It doesn’t just happen though. It required the surrender, and some things had to happen in order to come to that place of surrender. Spiritual foreplay, if you will.

We wander along a path and encounter various things that leave impact somewhere deep within, and these impacts begin to collect and form and grow. They grow and grow and the pressure and tension mounts and you finally open the sphincter of your heart. It’s that moment when the light floods in. Limitless undying love which shines around you like a million suns. Sweet surrender.

It IS an orgasm of the soul. DMT must somehow be involved. It’s more than oxytocin and endorphins, as with physical orgasms.

I don’t want to reduce spiritual awakening to a matter of chemistry; it’s more an exploration of what happens and why. There are many intermingled layers of happenings, physical and non-physical, and who could possibly understand it all, or how could it even be understood? The fact remains that something does happen. A transformation takes place. You are changed.

For me, I call it a holy conviction. My holy conviction. I doubt that I could articulate what I believe; it’s more a knowing, and I can’t even articulate that. It’s real, though. My holy conviction is seared in my heart, shake-able, but unbreakable.

Found in a notebook…

It’s July, It’s 2017. It’s a Tuesday night and I’ve had a stressful day and I’m unwinding. I wrote this:

Use your molecules wisely.

Spend your molecules wisely.

….Molecules….

YOUR Molecules

It’s what you’ve got. GOD gave them to you. This most inexplicable gift! Privilege!!! How are you going to honor them?

L I V E

Live it UP!!! LIFE is your gift!!! It’s what you’ve GOT! Rejoice in all things! Why not?! Why NOT?!!!???!!

<3

On my way to work, I thought about my core, my spirituality, my truth. I had to re-group, to re-think and re-consider the spiritual stance that I’ve been holding staunchly for all of these years. Ever since the time that I set in my heart to learn and to know. The phrase that captures my thoughts is ‘The Mystery of Being’. Thoughts about life. Existentialism…

If the earth is a closed system –physically, anyway– the matter within the gravity field and atmosphere remains somewhat constant. There is space and the cosmos, but for the bulk of the argument, it’s probably valid to consider earth as a closed system. So for physical laws, the matter of which living things are comprised is the same matter of which living things were comprised before us. Carbon’s anniversary. What are we made of? The molecules that comprise us belonged to someone else and something else before we got the privilege of vesseling them. So who am I? Not 24601… Maybe my molecules were part of a healer or an artist or a warrior. What if there is or are other dimensions beyond anything physically comprehensible, but just as visible for those who have eyes to see? What if who I am carries fragments of the spirits of those who have gone before me? Of course it’s easy to recognize remnants of those from whom I’ve come directly –genetics. But what about more? The matter that has existed for all the ages as we know them. My molecules could have been part of someone else. Not could. MUST. We are carbon based! Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. But our spirit! Our soul! What if the fragments are part of universal one-ness? That’s redundant, but I don’t know how else to say it. DMT -The Spirit Molecule… This substance that is a part of all living things. A common thread. And the enlightenment that is revealed when a human is exposed.

I think about the meaning of life. What’s the point? Maybe there’s no point. It’s a gift and a privilege we’ve been given. Do with it what we want, while we have it. Joy. Or don’t rejoice or embrace it. But it’s ours to live. So why not live it the way we want? We get to choose everything. We do what we do for whatever reason we do it. It’s all good. There’s no need for stress. Today is today. I will live it the best way that I can. I will do what I can do, and when I can’t do anything more or anything else, then I will stop, and that is okay.

The birth of a persona.

~*~*~*~

This has been hanging around in drafts for some time.  Maybe I’ll remember what I was thinking about, one of these days.  I have something scribbled somewhere with Delta Dirac Dawn, referring to the Dirac delta function.  It must have had something to do with singularities, polarities, concepts of all or nothing being one and the same.  Maybe the realization that this is me.  Spinning so fast that I’m standing still.  Ecstatically joyful and acutely anguished at the very same time.  Coming to terms with who I am, an outlier, not hanging about under the bell curve.