sueeeus

I could have sworn I’d posted at some point or another about the stranger I sometimes become when ravaged by the imbalance of things hormonal.  Or maybe not.  I’ve been on such a fantastic high for the last few weeks, so am completely caught off guard by this.  I have no other explanation, which in itself makes me crazy, because I need explanations for things to be settled in my universe.

Having an irregular cycle and general lack of ovulation has somehow given me the benefit of a very stable emotional state, in general, for the better part of my adult life.  Granted, it made the possibility of motherhood quite challenging, but now my motherhood dreams have come true, and those fertility challenges are no longer important.  A continued non-existent or barely existent cycle would suit me just fine, at this stage in life.

However.   The trauma and torment of the latter part of 2009 tipped me into the type II diabetes arena.  It was always lurking there as an eventuality, given the genetic disposition compounded with two cases of gestational diabetes.  The first line of treatment is metformin, which is actually a wonder drug of sorts.  It affects endocrine function, and prevents the liver from over-producing glucose, blah blah blah.  The other thing it does is induce or assist in ovulation.  The problem is that my blood sugar is doing fine now, but this whole business of possibly ovulating and at least cycling more frequently is not good for my mental state.  Plus, it re-introduces the potential need for some measure of birth control.  You know, that is, if this girl has any intentions of getting busy.  Which she does.  [snicker]  [blush]

Ahem.

I’ve been consulting with Doctor Google to try to figure out what’s going on with me, and have come up with PMDD.  It could be PMS, but the good doctor says that five or more symptoms from the symptoms list makes it PMDD.  In a way, just reading it helps me get a grip on things and pull myself out of the funk, but it’s no easy feat.  It’s so hard to describe what happens in an emotional crash, and how hard it is to pull oneself out of it.  It’s HARD!  And the damage control.  Good Lord, I have to run damage control, because the way I behave affects those nearest to me, and leaves them shaking their heads in wonder at who this stranger is and where in the heck did that fine and wonderful person known as Sueeeus Maximus go?

Meanwhile, I’m on the brink of getting fitted for the Mirena IUD.  Tuesday is the day.  I’ve had it before, and didn’t really like it much, but after the fact decided that my problems with it were mainly psychological.  This time around, given my age and other circumstances, it seems to be the only viable option I have, apart from having my tubes tied.  But I’m presently terrified at the prospect, because the wormhole I entered when consulting with Doctor Google led me to read about some horrible experiences for women with PMDD and/or PMS.  Mainly that the Mirena exacerbates the PMS or PMDD.

It’s hard enough to find myself facing this onslaught of emotional torment at all, and then to find that I am on the horizon of potentially making it even worse.  I am in a quandary.  I absolutely can’t stand to lose myself like this.  What is the recourse?  I’ve read that one can take low level Zoloft to address PMDD.  Great.  I’ve been through the Zoloft phase before, and it served me well, but I have such a hard time wrapping my head around the thought of needing something like that for the long haul.  And besides that, Zoloft isn’t particularly kind to the libido, and, um, I’m kind of looking forward to establishing and maintaining a healthy libido.  [blush]

What else can I do?  Become an exercise freak?  Mark the calendar for when I think I might be approaching the ‘window’ and then schedule myself to work my @$$ off so that I can keep the endorphins up and my wits about me?  And how on earth can I maintain the motivation needed to carry that through if and when I’m in the grip of the demons?

I’ve read about supplement therapy, but I already take calcium and B6 supplements, which are on the recommendation list.

One saving grace is, however insane I may become during the day, once I sleep and reawaken to a new day, I have a fresh outlook, and can try to be vigilant and not let the demons in.  The other saving grace is that this is only temporal, and if I can at least recognize it for what it is, I can remind myself that it will be OVER soon, and life can go on in its peachy splendor.  But the damage control.  Oh dear heavens, it’s no easy thing.  Here I am, in the infancy of building what could be a beautiful relationship with this fine man, Skills, and look what in the hell I’m putting him through now.  I hope he doesn’t run!

(Please don’t run.  I’ll be okay soon!)