I had a rough night yesterday and flipped out emotionally with a bunch of stuff that ultimately made Skills feel bad so he ended up going home, after which I cried my eyes out. I woke up with horrible leg cramps (charlie horses) in both my calves, and the front ankle/shin area. I’ve had gosh awful charlie horses during pregnancy that knotted both glutes, hams, quads, and calves concurrently, which is hard to fathom and harder to relieve, but that little muscle down the front of my shin where it attaches to my ankle and foot is a whole new experience, and they were all knotting at the same time. When I tried to gently and carefully flex my feet to pull the knots out of the calves, those front muscles would knot more, so I was basically screwed. Ouchie. I’m wondering if it’s the IUD, tipping the hormonal balance just enough to send me to Planet Crazy. I found a site with SO many side effects that it’s alarming and best not to dwell there too much, lest I fill my brain with hypochondriac tendencies. I hope things settle down soon, because this? Is awful.
I’m going to give it a few months to see how things settle. I’ll monitor my moods and symptoms and see if they follow any patterns. If my emotions stay whacked, I can either go on Zoloft or Wellbutrin or something to try to stabilize, or I can just have the IUD removed and try something else.
I try so hard to make sense of things, because I want to understand what’s happening. It’s why I’m leaning toward the thought that it’s seriously something hormonal. I’ve recently learned that the first thing a therapist asks is if you have thoughts of suicide. I never do, but last night when I was melting down, I tried to curl up fetal as small as I could and kept wishing I could disappear or something, crying uncontrollably, and trying to make myself as small as I could, and I thought that this must be what they’re talking about, when a person gets so miswired that they do that. It’s like an out of body experience, to see that and wonder who on earth that person is and why is she acting like that. No wonder Skills went home and couldn’t be around me. The problem is, what I need most when that happens is to be held and somehow coaxed back to reality. Not his job, though. Good thing passing out with exhaustion causes things to rewire so I can be okay when I wake up.
I hate to think I need something to make me cope. I would like to be able to handle it on my own. I will monitor myself for the next couple of months and see how things are, and see if I swing like this much more. Hopefully it will settle — it’s a vicious cycle to introduce a hormonal imbalance with the IUD, then have to add Zoloft or something to counter that. It’s craziness! But I’ll do what I have to do. I wrote it all out on my blog last night, just to get it out. It helps.
That’s a whole hell of a lot of preamble to get to the point that I was trying to reach. I like to think that there is a reason for everything. Walk a mile in someone’s shoes… Not that it’s a pleasant mile to walk, and clearly it’s depression with a capital D. But one of the things weighing on my heart is the inability to reach or help someone who I love dearly, who is struggling with emotional matters. And this? Perhaps this equips me just a little bit. Maybe what I’m experiencing is something she can relate to. Maybe I can help her to make sense of it, as I help myself to make sense of it. Maybe we can find a way to recognize the demons before they strike, and stand tall and ready, armored up. Maybe we can armor up without mind-altering medical intervention.
And no, I would never check out of this life, no matter how strongly I might in moments like last night want to disappear. And yes, my brother DID check out of this life, for whatever his reasons were, and yes, perhaps and most likely there are genetic tendencies with which we are faced, but I know not to let that terrify me (so I can try to help her not be terrified as well), or give me any reason to think that I or any of my beloved family are powerless in these circumstances. It’s just data. It’s information. The more we can know and understand, the better we will be able to face whatever may come.
Each day is a brand new day, and the sun will shine.
We will be okay.
We are okay.
