Today is a be still kind of day for me. What a treasure! Some people want or need to be entertained, or constantly on the go, doing something, going somewhere, being with someone. I get so few moments to just be still. I sit in silence in my living room, looking at the ceiling, looking at the sky through the skylights, looking at the colors and placement of the furnishings and decor, breathing deeply and simply being peaceful. It’s a friendly room. It’s nice to just be still for a moment. I have a thousand things I could or should do, but I’m not going to. I’m just going to sit still for a little while.
I love my cedar ceiling. Love!
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I find it tragically amusing that I posted in October about not falling apart, when I realized yesterday that I’ve fallen more apart than I had any idea! I’m glad that I can amuse myself, even if it’s in a tragic manner. Imagine the amusement I can attain when I’m rockin’ my world! My core, the essence of me, always wants to find the light and bright side of things. It may take me a while, but I’m always looking for it.
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I’ve been thinking about perspective. It’s so easy (for me) to be caught off guard and lose perspective. I can get stuck wondering what I did or said that caused a given action or comment, and jump to some conclusion that may or may not be valid. Or else I can’t come up with an answer at all, and I am completely flummoxed. In my professional life, when I get stuck trying to solve something, usually if I drop it for a while, rest, and come back again with fresh eyes, I can figure it out. I will then chastise myself for not dropping it earlier, thus saving myself the time, anguish and frustration of beating my head against the wall. In my personal life, if I could at least remember to tell myself that problem solving is problem solving, and if I could remember that it always works well to just let it rest for a minute, allow myself to regroup, then clarity will more than likely follow shortly. If only. I sure would save myself unnecessary anguish.
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There has been a lot of passion and agitation floating about regarding Ferguson, and I don’t know anything about the issue, other than some people I love are passionately impacted in one direction and some people I love are passionately impacted in the opposite direction. I have absolutely no opinion because I don’t know the situation, but my heart aches and strains over the anguish and passion that others are struggling with over this very public issue. Politics. I can not abide. The mere thought causes literal gut wrenching sensations. It’s visceral. Absolutely and completely.
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Loose ends. I have such a strong desire for conclusions, answers, solutions, closure –understanding. Maybe that’s the bottom line. Understanding. For some reason, loose ends leave me feeling frustrated and incomplete. It’s probably an OCD thing. Sort of like writing a sentence and not using a period to punctuate the end. That would drive me NUTS! The thing is, it drives me bonkers in almost all elements of my life. If a conversation just drops off in thin air, with no apparent reason why, I’m left wondering why. I suppose it boils down to order vs. chaos. A loose end represents chaos in my world. A conclusion represents order. With understanding, closure, conclusion, summary, completion, whatever it is called, I can put whatever it is away, and it will no longer clutter my mind and emotions.
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Sometimes the accumulation of loose ends and lost perspective cause me to doubt myself, and I get turned around, upside down. When this happens, I have to somehow retreat and regroup. It’s so hard to do, when you’re stuck! Sort of like trying to swim against the current. I visualize myself, a lone figure, and I visualize myself spinning, arms spread, spinning around and around, sending waves of light, love, comfort, and harmony out from my extended hands, weaving a tornado of protection around me. I stand in the center of stillness and catch my breath and gather my strength until I can emerge. As I describe this, it brings to mind a scene from Guardians of the Galaxy in which Groot weaves himself into a cocoon of protection around his friends. Like that.
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I really should never doubt myself. I should be more vigilant and remember, always remember, that I am empathic and absorb the emotions of those around me. So often I get slammed by other people’s emotions, and it takes me some time to realize those aren’t MY emotions. Those feels I feel, yes, but those feels aren’t always mine! Empathy is a beautiful gift, and I truly love my ability to connect with people on such a deep level, but I just need to learn how to distinguish my feels from someone else’s feels. I suppose that’s the thing about empathy though. Those feels become my feels. Oh, the feels. All the feels!! I am so often battered by the feels, like ocean waves crashing against a rocky shore.
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Finding joy. Gratitude. It’s the simple things in life that bring me the most joy. I grew some vegetables this year. I planted multicolored carrots, and yielded only two. Two! The beets did well. I love beets. I also grew a mystery vegetable. At first I thought it was a pumpkin, but it turns out it was an acorn squash. I don’t even remember ever having squash, because I don’t like squash, but somehow it ended up in the compost, and when I built my garden, I added some compost. That particular seed sprouted and thrived, so I decided to let it live. It actually completely overtook the entire garden box, and produced several squash. The slugs ate most of them, but it yielded one respectable squash.
garden bounty
I decided to take my end of season garden yield and make roasted veggies for my contribution to the Thanksgiving feast. I roasted garlic and used fresh thyme and rosemary from my herb garden, and made a buttery spread. I had an inordinately grand time, gathering the veggies from my garden, cleaning, prepping, and cooking them. It felt so complete! So wholesome! And believe it or not, the squash actually tasted good to me. Wonders shall never cease.
roasted and color coordinated
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I’ve been struggling quite a lot lately. I mentioned tragic amusement above… Anyway, I’ve been thinking of all the various monumental life changes taking place, contributing to the struggle. Work. That’s a huge change. The transitional dust most likely won’t be settled until at least next summer, so there remains quite a long road ahead. I need to gird up. Along with that, my niece, sort of the daughter I never had, graduated high school and moved across the country this fall. This had a much deeper effect on me than I had any idea, and I was completely unprepared for the emotions that would surface. Closing chapters of a long relationship, opening and closing and trying to navigate the waters of forming a new relationship leave me worn and depleted. Frustrations over the superficiality of people in the singles world. I see deep seated fears and insecurities in men manifest in various ways. They probably have no idea of these things themselves, because they are living only on the surface. But that’s a whole other probably very long winded post for another time. Countless hours spent in traffic. Darkness when I rise, darkness when I return. Single parenting struggles, wanting my children to grow into gracious, kind, responsible, confident, and respectable men, and not knowing quite how to accomplish that. The responsibilities of life. I have a full plate. It can be daunting and overwhelming if I think about it much. That’s why I like to slow down and be still. I get the most joy out of the simple things. I go outside and feed my alpaca girls, chastise them for fighting each other for the lion’s share, and wander around the pasture, picking up their poop. It’s therapeutic, really, to trudge about outside, rake and bucket in hand. The wind in the trees releases the most wonderful cedar scent. I feel happy. I am very blessed. I live a beautiful life. I am full of love. I love. I am loved.
happiness is a rake and a bucket and a pasture full of poop
