sueeeus

I find corporate buzzspeak so wearisome.  What does it actually mean?  Drives me nuts.  So, enough of that.

Today I woke up feeling happy.  Not that I don’t usually wake up happy, because I tend to be a morning person, but today I awoke in better spirits than usual.  Which is quite nice.  And to add to an already pleasant morning, BamBam (I’m thinking that I will begin referring to them as Pebbles and BamBam, assuming the peanut really is a girl!) actually woke up on his own.  Which meant that we didn’t have the normal get dressed and ready and out the door struggle. 

I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that, for the first time in I can’t remember when, I didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night to attend to a child or my own bladder that can no longer be ignored.  Or, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I actually exercised yesterday.  Yes, stop the presses.  We joined a gym, and I’m loving the aqua aerobics.  Especially because the pool is full of real people with real shapes and sizes, and not super models and beach bunnies.  I feel so much more comfortable in this gym environment than I’ve ever felt in the past.  I think it’s part of why I’ve hated gyms for so many years.  The gyms I belonged to in years past tended to be filled with vain and superficial people for which the external appearance was paramount to anything.  Not my scene.  And I even looked good back then! 

Now, I don’t usually do this, but I feel compelled to share a link to an amazing talk given by an amazing woman.  My sister has written a book (and I hope she publishes it soon, because I just know it’s incredible, and want to buy a bazillion copies to send to all my friends –okay, several copies, because I don’t actually have a bazillion friends) and found this link, which she says describes some of the characters in her book.  It’s really great, because it’s science that corroborates her art.  It thrills me!  I listened to it at work — multi-tasking, of course — and ended up needing tissue to dab away tears.  It was that good.

Now, to take some of that insight and do something with it.  Translation:  I really, really, really need to tap into my right hemisphere more.  The question is, how?

It’s been two years.

I heard somebody once say that it takes two years to get back to a sense of normalcy. Grieving is a process. A very long process.

I wish I could understand. I wish I knew what he was going through. I wish I could have intervened. I wish I could have made him better. Or at least helped him.

I will always remember him as my bright eyed boy.

I miss him.

I’ve had five days off.  Five!  Sadly, I feel as though I need many many more.  The first was necessarily spent cleaning in a sanity-restoring fervor.  Errands, preparations for a wedding, a road trip, a wedding, and a return trip consumed the next three.  The last day I wasted, mainly on the computer, although I did run some errands.  In retrospect, I should have relaxed and regrouped.  But I didn’t, and today, it’s back to the grind.  I managed well for most of the day, but the anxiety wormed its way back in, temporarily.  Luckily, it didn’t take hold.  I’ve kept it at bay, but am distraught that it could so swiftly rear its ugly head.  I wonder if I’m on the verge of a mid-life crisis, or in the midst of one, or if I’m simply tumbling on the waves of hormones gone awry.  Perhaps I’m just full up.  Tired.  I need to find more restorative things to do.  A schedule.  A plan.  Order.  I feel better when there is order in my universe.

On a more positive note, what a beautiful wedding!  The bride arrived by horse drawn carriage.

  The ever-faithful ring bearer stole the show. 

Solemn vows were made.  The bride was a vision in cream fairy tale silk.  The groom emanated love for his bride.

A dapper young man was mostly well-behaved.  For a one and three quarter year old on a beautiful fall day.

There was dancing     and champagne.

A fabulous time was had by all.  My youngest sister.  Married.  It’s a beautiful thing.

Today you would have turned 35.

I hope you are singing showtunes in heaven
Surfing the waves of the Aurora Borealis
Dancing amidst the stars
Soaring through the universe
Smiling
Laughing
Now and forevermore

I think of you every day.