sueeeus

Found in drafts from May 2014.

Things have been stacking up again lately, as they do.  I feel like I need another reset soon.  For some reason, I picture a big exhausted mama bear making her way to her cave where she will hibernate until things improve.  I’ve been sort of lost in a cloud for some time now, and while it seemed like a good idea at the time (at least, it was a method of coping), I think that in the scheme of things my preference is to face life with a clear head.

Let’s see.  The job.  The writing on the wall has come to pass.  My entire division is being re-established elsewhere.  I’m not worried about not finding a job.  I’ve applied for several, and word on the street is that my power trio will be adopted by another division that will remain here.

Let’s see some more.  Women’s health.  I had my annual mammogram last Tuesday.  Wednesday I got a call to have a follow-up mammogram as well as an ultrasound.  Just to check a particular spot.  No freaking out here.  Right.  Actually, I didn’t really freak out.  I figured that they would just check things out in more detail and if they did find something, then I would decide whether or not I would freak out.  No point in freaking out until one is sure there is cause, eh?  Thankfully, they are wonderful about delivering results ìmmediately.  All is well.  Tomorrow is my annual ob/gyn visit.  Fingers crossed that rest of my interior girly parts are okay.

Narcissism survival link – good stuff.

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

My heart beats for my boys.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the day to day accumulation of whatever it is that accumulates within me, and I feel as though I need to somehow find an outlet of some sort, any sort, so that I can draw in my breath and regain some composure before I pick up my kids.  Because I don’t want them to see that their mother is barely holding it together.

Walking helps.

Sometimes the older one gets into a mood in which he stomps about or shuffles about with a long face.  I ask him what’s wrong and he says he doesn’t know.  He just feels upset.  He can’t really explain it to me, and he has no particular reason or trigger that he can recall that put him in that place.  But I get it.  And in a way I’m grateful that he expresses himself so physically.  Because that is how I so often feel.  So I get it.

The younger one is perhaps even more physical with the expression of his emotions, but he is more likely to recover quickly.

They are such beautiful, incredible boys.

I need to capture questions to explore.

Arousal.  How does it work?  How can one attain it?

How do I feel?  It fluctuates from a sort of non-feeling numbness, to a cavalier what’s the problem no sweat acceptance of all things.

I want to explore why I felt the way I did about my former boyfriends using marijuana and how I considered it the other woman.  I was jealous,  I suppose.  I wonder where I got my notions and why I thought what I thought.  In general, I want to do some mental housekeeping so that I can figure out if any of these thought inclinations that I have serve me well or not, and to cull those that don’t.

Book idea, yin yangish, one side is the light perspective, the other side is the dark perspective.  The same tale told from different points of view.  Also, one perspective similar to Ursula the sea witch, predator of poor unfortunate souls, sucking their life force from them to feed her own insatiable appetite for life.  Or like a praying mantis that lures the male in then devours him after having delirious sex with him.

From the light perspective, it’s a view that she just wants to take care of her people, take them under her wing, and this is what she does and how she operates.  She’s a giver and she  gives until she’s got no more to give.  Then she stops.  And drops.  kind of where I feel I am right now.

Starting to recognize a pattern with relationships, the phases and projections of hopes and dreams, the momentum and infusion of energy, the man becoming addicted to the high from being with me, so I become his heroin, heroine.  I can’t sustain it, so there is the withdrawal period when I’ve stopped infusing, and the wind is gone from the sails.  That is where discontent for the sexual aspect of the relationship starts to manifest.  That is where communication starts to fall apart.  It seems that the point where things start to fail is the point where I stop holding it all together.

Maybe I shouldn’t be with anybody.

We’re out of sync.  His idea of time apart and alone is different than mine.  He feels frustrated by the passage of time and my lack of interest.  I guess I need to find the right words to let him go so that it’s clear that he is free from me and I am free from him and he can therefore reset his expectations.  Because I feel like I need a lot more time.  Lost in my mind.  I’m going internal for a while and I need more time.  It’s not fair to keep him hanging when I have no idea how long I’ll be gone, meaning how long it will take me to sort through whatever needs to be sorted now.  How to function when you’re barely functioning.  another catchy book idea , because I manage to keep a household going and keep everyone fed, clothed and sheltered in spite of my nearly catatonic emotional state.  I went for a couple of walks today with the dog.  I figured that since I didn’t know what to do or think, at least I could walk and get some air, if nothing else, while I’m figuring out what I want or need to do.