Oh, how my moods are wearisome. Bang, bang, as in up, down, slam, slam, no neutral ground. Polar oppositional. I wish I would hurry up and cultivate that side of me that takes a moment to take things in, rather than reacts in a knee jerk trigger, resulting in bedlam and emotional mayhem.
The other day I was cheerful, bright and hopeful, on the verge of elation. I’d received a letter from the court with instructions for the hearing. It also meant that if Gadget were going to pull any last minute funny business, he’d have had to have served me or otherwise notified me by yesterday. And he didn’t. Which means all systems go. Things are lined up for a smooth and uneventful closure, come Monday.
So why would I be agitated today and yesterday? The kids push me to my limits and I find myself yelling, mostly at BB. He wiped his nose on the drapes, and I exploded. I hate to hear myself like that. I hear myself screaming and like an out of body experience, I observe and shake my head and wonder, who IS that shrieking harpy, and can’t she see he’s only nearly 5, and of course he doesn’t think about much besides himself. At what age do children learn consideration for their fellow life forms? Eventually he cries because I’ve hurt his feelings for shrieking at him. Ace. Such a good mother.
After things cool down, I snuggle with him and we talk about it, and I ask him if he understands why I was mad, and what it was he did that made me upset. He usually does a pretty good recap. We forgive each other and all is well.
Meanwhile, LB is an imp. The pediatrician said the most important thing is NOT TO REACT when he does something he shouldn’t do, because that teaches him that there is a response to an action, and that’s kind of fun. I’ve completely botched this on many occasions. He stands up in his high chair, and I give him a stern look and tell him to get down, so he sits down, and I say, ‘Good boy!’. So he does it again. It’s a game. I have to be vigilant and remember to strap him in at all times, lest he try this while I’m not sitting directly in front of him. When he’s decided he’s had enough food, he spits out the bite if the decision comes when there is a bite in his mouth, else he just starts throwing food on the floor or across the room. Granted, I can see how this is fun, but Lordy, I’m getting tired of the mess. The thing that frazzles my nerves, however, is the game in which he hurls himself at the fireplace. We have a gas insert and a brick surround with a brick hearth and a brick mantle. So much rock for him to smash his head into, and so many angles and opportunities. I’ve tried putting rugs on the hearth to soften the edges, but that leaves the fireplace and the vertical edges exposed. I’ve tried large cushions and pillows to make a deep and wide barrier, but he climbs on them and it’s all that much more fun to charge and fling himself at the pile of cushions. Currently I’ve got a narrow table directly in front of the fireplace, and a big speaker in a speaker stand flanking each side. This consumes the hearth, and provides a more vertical barrier and a less inviting space to hurl and fling oneself towards. I don’t like having a table in front of the fireplace, though, and the whole visual effect is less than inspiring. I need a better solution.
Thank God he knows how to navigate the stairs.
There’s an opportunity to take them to see Walking With Dinosaurs in the spring. BB loves dinosaurs, and might love the show, but at the same time, might be a little freaked out by it. Or a lot. He doesn’t do well with loud noises and vibrations. A boat ride on choppy water this summer traumatized him, poor little guy. BB, my gentle giant. The question is whether or not LB could handle it. He takes to danger and excitement much more than BB, so he might actually be fine. He’ll be about 20 months old, when the show takes place. To go, or not to go.
Now that I’ve taken some time to write it out, it doesn’t seem so bad. BB is playing his Wolverine spelling game next to me, and LB said ‘Nigh Nigh’ and let me put him to bed. I’m so proud of him! No fight. He was tired and wanted to go!
I have my lovely little daybook that I’m planning to write in every day. It’s more do-able than committing to a blog post. I think if I took a few moments to organize my thoughts and make a plan, I might not feel so agitated and frazzled.
No resolutions. Just plans.
