Okay. I’m back. And I’m feeling much better. A thank you to all the people who post such warm and nice things.
I find that one of the hazards of blogging is that it’s so in the moment. That’s all fine and good when the moment is good. But when the moment is dark. Well. Not so good.
I will first say that I like myself. Whew! I tried to ponder it more fully last night, and the night before, but I fell asleep. I wanted to ask myself to try and put together a mental list of why I liked myself, in that moment, so I could make those thoughts more concrete and perhaps file them away for times of darkness when the goodness escapes me. But I fell asleep.
I know that I mentioned earlier that it’s probably hormones, and in the moment when I was writing that, I was in a dark place and commented that it’s such a copout to say that. I have to say, now that I’m in a more positive place, that there is some truth to that. Hormones are these crazy little brain chemicals that wreak utter chaos if something disturbs their fragile balance. I know this. I know this. I lost a brother to the imbalance. And I’ve spent a lifetime drifting in and out of darkness, and when I get stuck there, it feels like deja vu and I get disgusted with myself for getting stuck there again and not being able to find my way out and only recognizing enough to know that I’ve been there before, thus giving myself more reason to despise myself. Magnifying silly superficial things beyond all reason. It’s that broken record sensation I spoke of earlier. If we were talking classical control systems theory, it would be called positive feedback, which leads to instability and ultimate destruction. Now I have a visual of Galloping Gerty, which fell victim to harmonic frequency. (Umm, nerd alert. So I majored in Control Systems. Woop. Dee. Doo. I even actually used a teensy weensy bit of it in my professional life. But anyway, I digress. I was just attempting to express an analogy.)
So anyway. Hormones. A cacophony of hormones. That, and a yawn of excuses.
I could just delete the posts of darkness, but it wouldn’t be altogether honest, so I think I’ll leave them be. It sort of fits the SPT All of Me theme.
But right now The sound of exploding glass has just interrupted all other trains of thought. That, and somebody wants his mommy.
