It’s a wondrous thing, how music can capture and convey so much heart. I hear music, and I want to be a part of it. I want it in me. I want to be in it. I want it to come out from me. I want to be it. Barry Manilow (laugh if you will) said it. “I am music…”
Sometimes I feel as though I nearly am. I feel that way with language and other things too. Somebody once told me that is called intuition. But I don’t know. I just know that it feels as though I’m standing at a doorway. I know what’s beyond that door; I can see it as clear as day. And if only I could or would walk through that door, it would all become a part of me, and I’d be in it, and it would be in me. I would speak forth in foreign languages. I would play any sound on any instrument. I would be one with music and language.
Alas. What keeps me from stepping through that doorway? I wish I knew. Is it fear? Fear of failure? Maybe. Probably. I don’t know. I just continue on in my mediocrity.
There is a song that has been touching my heart lately. It’s called “Rise“, by Shawn McDonald.
In a way, it captures some of the essence of me, and the things I’ve been going through for the past couple of years. Me, Phoenix Rising. I love the melody and the octave changes.
“Rise”
[Chorus]
Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will riseSometimes my heart is on the ground
And hope is nowhere to be found
Love is a figment I once knew
And yet I hold on to what I know is true[Chorus]
Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will riseWell I keep on coming to this place
That I don’t know quite how to face
So I lay down my life in hopes to die
That somehow I might rise[Chorus]
Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise
I have few answers. There isn’t much that I really know. I’m not necessarily that smart. I’m a little bit book smart, but life-smart? Not so much. I just live every day trying to be my best. One thing I do know. I know who I am. I am kind. I am gentle. I am good. I am patient. I am steady. I am faithful. I am peaceful. I am loving. I am upright. I seek to do no harm. I am [mostly] responsible. I avoid conflict. I am compassionate. I love everyone.
Am I a doormat? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m hyper-sensitive, yes. It’s a character flaw, and I’m working on it. I saw a bumper sticker today that said, “Jesus was a pacifist.” I’m a pacifist. For sure.
And all I want, which is all I’ve ever wanted, which is pretty much the same thing that almost anybody ever wants or has ever wanted from the dawn of time, is to love and be loved. Simply put.
I have children. They are my life’s dream come true. They need to come first, so I don’t even know what ‘me time’ is any more. I have to be strong and steady and firm and loving for them. I have to be everything they need. Because I don’t want them to ever feel, for even a moment, that they don’t belong or that they don’t matter or that they’re not important, or that they’re not wanted. I want them to be secure in who they are and how they fit into this big, chaotic world in which we live. It’s so hard, being a parent.
What can I do, besides what I’m doing? I just go on loving. I go on breathing. I go on trying. I go on being. I go on praying. I go on.
