9/19 Back on Celexa. Starting to wonder if/what my cycle is. About two years ago I quit zoloft cold turkey. Seems like about a year ago I quit Celexa. I can’t remember when I went on the Celexa, but I remember tolerating it very well. Wish I could remember how/what causes me to draw the line and decide I need something. But here I am again.
I took it last night. This morning is Day 1. I feel tightness in my jaw, and I’m very tired. My quads ache. My morning blood sugar was 124, the highest it’s been in ages. I’m fairly certain the jaw tightness is a side effect. I hardly slept last night for other reasons, so I’m not counting that as a side effect. The aching legs? Dunno what’s causing that. Blood sugar? It’s usually higher when I have a bad night, but not that high. I also have low appetite and low grade nausea, which are definitely side effects. And the libido? Obliterated.
Browsing through my archives looking for dates for my adventures with anti-depressants and I see I’ve blogged so very little in the last year. It’s kind of sad. I used to love to write.
Mostly I have no time. No time. No time. No time.
Maybe I’m thinking that the Celexa will help me normalize again so that I don’t feel so much like my life is out of control and that I have no time.
Here’s hoping.
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9/20 Day 2. Morning blood sugar 104. Sleep quality – good enough. Aching quads and hips. Low appetite, low grade nausea and headache, blurry vision. Noticeable irritability, but feeling less internalized if that makes sense. I can feel the effects already, the way the med buffers things. I’m more apt to say how I feel, even if it’s irritable. I’m not used to being irritable. More used to being hurt or upset, but not crabby. Contrary appetite – craving carbs – would love to dive into coffee cake or something horrible like that, but am not willing to pay the price. God bless the hyper- inflated cafeteria for saving me from myself. Scrambled eggs again. I don’t really want them, but they seem to be the lesser of all evils.
About the buffer. I’m not as affected by things that are said. I hear them and have the time in my brain to process the thoughts, “That sounded crappy. Do I care? I don’t.” Dismissed. I feel better that way. So I can tell that the meds are making this difference. Otherwise my thoughts would be, “That sounded crappy. Why would he say that? Why would he say it that way? Why would he use that tone of voice? What does he mean by that? What does he really mean? What is he really saying?” See? The meds make a difference.
9/21 Morning blood sugar 126. Lordy. Terrible headache, terrible back pain, radiating through the hip joints and the upper quads. Low appetite. High thirst. I’m not used to being thirsty. Prone to tears.
9/22 Morning blood sugar 105. Can’t take this any longer. Not going to take the next dose tonight. I’d rather be depressed than go through these side effects. My body is in so much pain. It’s so strange that this medication has such a drastic physical effect when last time the only symptoms I felt were low grade headache and low appetite and slight dizziness. This time around, Lordy Lordy. I have a very high pain threshold, too. I give up. I actually took a vicodin to help, and it did keep things slightly at bay for a few hours. How crazy is that, though, to take a narcotic to offset the pain caused by an SSRI. Craziness begets craziness.
