sueeeus

hello world, it's me

I’ve been feeling like I’m amidst a mid-life crisis, but my friend kindly reminded me that I say that every year when my birthday rolls around.

I do?

Yes, you do.

Alrighty then, we can all laugh about that.  Crisis expunged.

There is much turmoil in the land, which is normal in my world these past years.  However, I must say that the present turmoil is beyond the status quo.  I have another post brewing about the work aspect thereof, but I have yet to gather the courage and strength to delve into the emotional quagmire that beckons my attention.

I think that I am finally learning to understand myself, albeit at plate tectonic pace.  Fragments of thoughts whirl about in the recesses of my mind, and occasionally I capture them for a moment or two and give ponder before they squirm from my grasp and return to the atmosphere that spins inside my head.

I am starting to see that I tend not to be true to myself, and I am making small changes to amend that self-inflicted wrong.  I’m starting to make choices for me –to allow myself a little precedence over everything that I usually let ahead of me.

I recently gained some weight (yes, of course it was due to stress –I’m an emotional eater) which affected my blood sugar levels, and I fell into a panic over the weight, which increased the stress and thus affected the blood sugar more, which caused more panic on my part, and once the blood sugar was elevated, I gained more weight because my body couldn’t properly process what I consumed, which meant more fat storage, and so it went.   Oh the psychological warfare that wages within.  I was spiraling so quickly toward a place I did not want to be, and it was terrifying.  I did say I was in a panic.  I had to give myself a mental shake and say to myself that I had to rise above the storm that was raging inside.  STOP!!!   DO SOMETHING!!!

So I did.  I started walking with my kids after work/school/daycare.  I pick them up and go directly to the trail where we walk for about half an hour.  The boys are on their bikes and I walk.  The little one is just learning, so he rides with training wheels and we get some family time and some fresh air together.  I also stopped eating the refined carbs.  No bread, no wheat, no rice, no oats, no potatoes.  The goal is to get the blood sugar to stay in the target range.  I’ve been eating meats and veggies as well as some fruits.  So I do get carbs, but I figure that they are a whole food so my body should be able to process them well enough.

I’m feeling better.  I don’t feel bogged down or lethargic.  I don’t feel hungry.  It took a full week of super clean eating to get the blood sugar levels to drop, but they did finally come down.  I think I’ve lost a good part of the panic weight, and bit by bit I’m confident the rest of it will follow.  As long as I don’t let my emotional guard down and give in to the comfort food cravings.

forty eight, oh Narcissus

As for being forty eight?  Good LAWD!  When my mom was 48, I was an adult, graduated from university and three years into my professional life, and she was (in my callous youthful perception) washed up, worn out, and middle aged.  In comparison, my oldest child is in 2nd grade, my youngest hasn’t even started Kindergarten, and I am so not ready to throw in the towel and call myself washed up, worn out and middle aged.  Well, I am weary, but not completely worn.  And as long as I keep my hair colored, the years are in general kind.

I sort of feel like I’ve lost my smile, though.

I miss it.  I want it back.