I got sick this morning, on the way to drop off my kids with their dad for the weekend. My chest was tight, my stomach was hard. I’m not sure, but it seems to be psychological. I’m reminded of all the tummy aches and headaches I suffered as a child. I’ve been going through all sorts of things recently and everything seems to be stacking up, so much that I feel like I’m close to a breaking point. I even called my mom to ask what age she went through menopause. Looking for explanations. I’ve been perusing and contemplating anti-depressant options. Again.
It’s an hour drive to drop off or retrieve the kids. I stopped by the Home Depot on the way back for a couple of items, and barely made it to the loo in time. I called D and told him I don’t feel well, so maybe he could go on a motorbike ride with one of his friends instead. He said he could stick around and be with me, but I said I’d rather be alone. Why is it so very hard for me to say that? It’s true though. I absolutely need some time alone, and I get so very very little of it. It’s a shame that my sense of self-preservation would make me physically sick, just to buy myself that time.
Oh Lord in Heaven, I really needed it.
I’ve had a good day. I didn’t get as much rest as I’d like, but the sickness has faded. My chest is no longer constricted. My bowels are no longer churning. I was able to write a bit and unload some thoughts. Just getting them out of my head helps tremendously. My head is no longer whirring with so many unprocessed fragments. I feel much better.
home alone
I’ve been resting outside, listening to the musical whispers of my wind chimes, breathing the fresh country air. I think I’m ready to face the world again. At least for a little while.
