sueeeus

It can’t be all, so it has to be nothing.

I get it.

there I was, peacefully enjoying some ice cream, when...

I knew this day was coming.  I just didn’t know when.  Or how things would transpire.  But I really ought not be surprised.  And indeed, I am not.  It’s not how I would have liked things to go, but I guess it’s how I knew they would go[1].

I feel numb.  Probably it’s not the best time to try to write, in the heat of the moment, as it were.  Then again, the heat of the moment is when the emotions are raw, so maybe it is a good time to try to get things out.  Perhaps I can go through them later and make more sense of things.  Or learn something, at least.

He said that I am selfish and that I am a user.  I can’t recall much more than that.  My mind sort of goes blank.  I remember just looking at him like a deer with it’s eyes caught in the headlights.  I couldn’t find words to convey anything that he could hear.  Maybe I am selfish.  Maybe I am a user.  Certainly in his perspective I am, and I’m not going to try to defend myself for another’s hurtful opinion.  It’s his opinion.  Those are his feelings.  They belong to him.  Am I selfish?  I guess so.  Because I chose myself and my kids over him.  What he doesn’t understand is that I have to choose myself.  For my kids.  I don’t know how to balance life with him.  The way things were when we first met aren’t a true representation of the me who I need to be.  I put that person aside for way too long.  It’s unfortunate that he is the one caught in the crossfire, when I finally decide to take a stand for myself.  The woman he met two years ago was the woman he wanted me to be, not the woman I am.

I can’t explain that to him in terms that he will understand.  I hardly know the woman I am.  I want to get to know her, though.  Staying in a relationship that is out of balance is unfair to him.  He’s waiting for me to be who I am not.  I can’t let him do that, because I am who I am.  He is who he is.  I love him.  But we don’t fit.

I hope  he finds someone with whom he fits.  Someone he can laugh with, cry with, love with and be with.  Someone good for him.

[1] …I guess I didn’t know how things would go…

He said he was going to erase me from his life, and indeed, he is.  He said he would hate me.  He said that nobody has ever hurt him the way that I have, or as much as I have.  He said he wanted to go out and “f!#& a bunch of girls”.  He didn’t say goodbye.  He returned all the gifts I ever gave him (at least those he could find in the last 20 minutes).  I didn’t expect that.

So that is how it is.

I’m tired.  This day has been coming for some time.  I wish it didn’t hurt either of us.  But it did.  And it does.

I’m very sorry, and I hope that he will forgive me.  Not that I want to be forgiven for having the courage to be myself, but forgiven for hurting him along the way.

[2] …words spoken from a place of hurt…  i.e., the morning after

“Next time you decide to f&$# someone over, try picking someone who hasn’t already been f&#*ed over.”

“Take all your s$#t and go buy somebody else with it. It doesn’t mean s#!t to me.  You can’t buy me.”

(…but I sent him a text message later and said he could come get his stuff if he decided he wanted it…  …and it’s (mostly) gone.  With the exception of the pictures and cards, which are strewn dramatically and ceremoniously all over the shop floor.)

[3] …the morning after the morning after…

He apologized for the behavior and things said from the place of hurt.