I’m beginning to unravel and better understand certain things about myself. I’m naturally forgiving. I don’t hold resentments and grudges. I think I used to. I must have. Maybe it’s something that develops with age. Maybe it takes a certain maturity to face oneself in the mirror and take responsibility for all things. Things didn’t happen to me. Life is a compilation of experiences, and those experiences have to do with choices I’ve made along the way. Sure, they intersect with choices that others have made along the way as well. But I”m the captain of my own ship. I don’t have to react to anybody. I can choose my course.
Maybe it’s more simple than maturity. Maybe it’s just sheer exhaustion. One reaches a point, swimming against the current, so to speak, when one can no longer go on. So we just stop fighting, start treading water, and simply try to stay afloat. Maybe it’s just survival.
Whatever it is, I am glad to let bygones be bygones. There is peace in doing so.
In all of this, however, I recognize the need for vigilance. Forgiveness is one thing, but it’s also critically important to learn from one’s mistakes and not go on repeating them, time and time again.
I’m in a healing mode. I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know much of anything. I do know that the life I’m leading consumes my emotional, mental and physical resources. Treading water, staying afloat, is all that I can do right now. One day at a time. One step at a time. One minute at a time. I’m doing what I need to do.
I will say this. I love being a mother. Love, love, love. I may be barely afloat, but when I think of my kids, I feel a smile steal over my face.
How I love them!
They are my everything.
