I feel compelled to take some time to sort through and summarize the mancapades of 2014. My girlfriend lovingly advised that I should take a man break so that I could tune my good guy radar. Of course I didn’t listen. Well, I listened, but I didn’t heed.
The rocky road upon which I traversed for so long solemnly and completely reached its end, some time during the summer. I don’t remember exactly when. From then until now there has been sporadic socialization and relational pursuits. I’ve posted three ads to Craigslist, for masochistic entertainment purposes more than anything truly serious. Two of those posts were simply cut and pasted from this blog: an affair to remember, and the sum of a life. One was just a snarky counter offering to the ridiculous expectations described in the majority of the m4w ads posted. That one hit a nerve because it was flagged and removed within 4 hours! But it was up long enough to produce quite a flurry of activity, considering I posted it around 1 am and it was removed by 5 am. Fun times. If self torture is your thing, that is. Actually, my ads spawned some reasonably good conversations and banter, so they served their purpose. I also put a Tinder profile up, which was mostly laughable. I think that I made about 4 possible matches for over 2000 passes. Granted, I’m particular, and pass almost everyone.
All told, there were some rootin’ types, some shootin’ types, and even some marrying types. How many of each? There has been rootin’ without shootin’ and shootin’ without rootin’, and those who just might be the marrying type are, well, technically still married –so there are boundaries best left untread under such circumstances. I don’t have any regrets, really, for any of the experiences. They weren’t necessarily all good or without anguish, but there were some beautiful moments to treasure, and they all contributed in some way to the healing journey.
Cue Marvin Gaye, crooning in the background. At the end of that long and rocky road this summer, I was told with certainty that intimacy could never be better than what I was walking away from. I almost believed it. Maybe his goal was to break me and cause me to doubt. I don’t know. But I’ve since learned that that was so very far from the truth. Happily so.
In fact, I am absolutely positive of the possibility of truly fulfilling intimacy. Without a doubt in this world. I still have no idea how to fully relate with another, or how to mingle lives in a positive manner for all involved. Hope definitely prevails, though.
I still believe in love.
With a capital L.
