cherish is the word I use to describe…
The word popped into my head a few minutes ago, and I had a train of thought I planned to explore, but have since forgotten. Still, I will hold the title and keep on writing. Maybe it will come back to me.
There are so many interesting thoughts of late that I want to capture and ponder. My boys spent three weeks with their dad. Unprecedented. During that time, I had the opportunity to take a grown up camping vacation. I haven’t had so much grown up time in YEARS!
It was hard, to be separated from my boys for so long. I had a few tearful moments. I sort of wished that I had been able to plan ahead for that particular window of time. I might have spent it differently, rather than work through the first two weeks. I was ecstatic to be able to go camping, though. It was important to me on so many levels.
When I picked up my boys, the early evening sun was shining and the color of their eyes in the sunlight was dazzling and mesmerizing. Their eyes are a grey green rainbow of sparkling color. They are so beautiful — they take my breath away. I wanted to take a picture and capture those colors and that beauty, but my phone camera skills are lacking. The emotion of the moment was pure joy. Reuniting with my boys. Oh how I lufffffff them.
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While camping, I experienced a plethora of thoughts, sensations, and emotions. Granted, it was likely due to a mixture of erratic blood sugar control, substance consumption, and the heat. One day, I had a series of out of body thoughts that I found perplexing and worthy of further exploration. It was almost as though I had a starkly defined split personality. On the one hand, I was so peacefully content that I had found my way to this stage in life where I have the most amazing, comfortable relationship with a truly decent, kind, loving, capable, intelligent, fun and interesting man, with whom I can clearly imagine growing old with and loving deeply until the end of time. On the other hand, there was this nearly over powering persona that I’d call Doom, who stood by, authoritatively looking down on me, telling me that I couldn’t or shouldn’t live like this, that it couldn’t be real, that I should just walk away and spend my life alone where I belong. It was such a strong and defeating sensation, so physical, in fact, that I could almost feel myself being compelled to stand up, start walking, and just leave it all behind. All the while, the other persona (who I will call the real me) looked on with disbelief and horror, saying, good grief, you’re not buying into this bullshit, are you?
In the end, I reasoned with myself that I have no control over another’s thoughts or feelings, nor do I wish for such control. He’ll never purposefully hurt me. If he loves me, he loves me. If he wants to be with me, he will be with me. If he decides we don’t fit after all, he will say so, and we will part on kind terms. There is no need for fear or anxiety or second guessing or anything at all. And the converse holds true in all cases. I will never purposefully hurt him. If I love him, I love him. If I want to be with him, I’ll be with him. If I decide we don’t fit after all, I will say so, and we will part on kind terms. He isn’t worried or concerned about us. It’s all very simple for him. He loves me, he respects me, and that’s that. Similarly, I love him, respect him, and that’s that. So why does this nemesis of a personality emerge? I suppose it’s a manifestation of fear, and it’s not welcome here! I have to acknowledge that it tried to grip me, though. I’m also grateful that he’s not saddled with these ridiculous emotions. He is so very steady. Unflinching. Unwavering. I truly admire that in him. He is solid.
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I wrote this ages ago, and it’s been hanging out in my drafts, along with the 200+ spam comments attached to my Presence and Life post that I can’t for the life of me figure out. Search engines are blocked. Somehow there must be a thread or fragment somewhere that the bots have found. I don’t find it when I inspect my code, so I am perplexed. Maddening. Anyway. Even though the moment is long over, and my emotions haven’t taken too much of a dark turn (in general) since then, I think it’s good to be able to preserve some of these thoughts for further exploration, should they ever resurface.
The photo is taken from the cover of this year’s journal. I was diligent until mid-July, and not a word since. Interestingly enough, that time frame seems to coincide with the time frame when my kids were away. I’ve either been too busy, too stressed, or having too much fun to bother with daily summaries. Certainly, life overall has been wonderful, as evidenced by the lack of lengthy self-psychoanalyzing posts (since June, at any rate). One of these days I may find my way back to blogging about the beauties of this simple life I’m leading. Facebook and Snapchat, while fun, are nowhere near as fulfilling, and the seeming constant monotony of working through difficult emotions makes for a very lopsided blog. So. Posts of alpaca adventures, tree felling, trail blazing, carburetor rebuilding, farmer’s markets, fantastical Lego creations, gorgeous grey-eyed kids, road trips, country vistas, water sport shenanigans, and such may be on the horizon. Or not.
