I need to capture questions to explore.
Arousal. How does it work? How can one attain it?
How do I feel? It fluctuates from a sort of non-feeling numbness, to a cavalier what’s the problem no sweat acceptance of all things.
I want to explore why I felt the way I did about my former boyfriends using marijuana and how I considered it the other woman. I was jealous, I suppose. I wonder where I got my notions and why I thought what I thought. In general, I want to do some mental housekeeping so that I can figure out if any of these thought inclinations that I have serve me well or not, and to cull those that don’t.
Book idea, yin yangish, one side is the light perspective, the other side is the dark perspective. The same tale told from different points of view. Also, one perspective similar to Ursula the sea witch, predator of poor unfortunate souls, sucking their life force from them to feed her own insatiable appetite for life. Or like a praying mantis that lures the male in then devours him after having delirious sex with him.
From the light perspective, it’s a view that she just wants to take care of her people, take them under her wing, and this is what she does and how she operates. She’s a giver and she gives until she’s got no more to give. Then she stops. And drops. kind of where I feel I am right now.
Starting to recognize a pattern with relationships, the phases and projections of hopes and dreams, the momentum and infusion of energy, the man becoming addicted to the high from being with me, so I become his heroin, heroine. I can’t sustain it, so there is the withdrawal period when I’ve stopped infusing, and the wind is gone from the sails. That is where discontent for the sexual aspect of the relationship starts to manifest. That is where communication starts to fall apart. It seems that the point where things start to fail is the point where I stop holding it all together.
Maybe I shouldn’t be with anybody.
We’re out of sync. His idea of time apart and alone is different than mine. He feels frustrated by the passage of time and my lack of interest. I guess I need to find the right words to let him go so that it’s clear that he is free from me and I am free from him and he can therefore reset his expectations. Because I feel like I need a lot more time. Lost in my mind. I’m going internal for a while and I need more time. It’s not fair to keep him hanging when I have no idea how long I’ll be gone, meaning how long it will take me to sort through whatever needs to be sorted now. How to function when you’re barely functioning. another catchy book idea , because I manage to keep a household going and keep everyone fed, clothed and sheltered in spite of my nearly catatonic emotional state. I went for a couple of walks today with the dog. I figured that since I didn’t know what to do or think, at least I could walk and get some air, if nothing else, while I’m figuring out what I want or need to do.
