… is a pain in the ass
Today I have the WORST headache. I get these once in a while and I generally call them migraines, although they don’t seem to fully fit the textbook description. At least, I’ve read that migraines typically occur on one side of the head. That would count, if it meant the top side rather than the left or right side. It’s like a ring around the head. Envision one of those horror flicks in which the evil character takes a saw and cuts off the top of the victim’s head, leaving it like a bowl. A half head bowl. That’s the line of my headache. In fact, most of the time when I get these headaches, that is the line. A circle around my head at roughly eyebrow level, and everything above it T H R O B S with such force that I can barely breathe. Nor do I want to breathe, for any motion at all sets it throbbing worse, if that could be possible. (And it is.) The pain makes me want to spew, but I most often can avoid that, if I try to be as motionless as possible. Then there’s the freezing cold, followed by sticky hot, followed again by chills. And the feeling of constriction anywhere. I have to take off my rings, my clothes, and try to get comfortable. At one point the only comfortable position was on my knees, my torso draped over the bed. I knelt for over an hour. Still. Be very very still.
Two vicodin later (4 hours apart), and after praying, begging and pleading for the pain to stop, I am able to function again. But it’s still there, low-level, threatening to return. Usually these headaches consume a day, and it’s not until a full night’s sleep that they become a thing of the past.
Normally, I would be pounding the ibuprofen, but I have to consider the big what if. What if I ovulated What if there was a happy meeting somewhere in one of my fallopian tubes If so, then would medications inhibit this hopeful blastocyst thingamajiggy from burrowing into my uterine wall Why do I get sick right when I can’t take anything I started to notice a swollen throat yesterday, and today it’s worse. No echinacea. No megadosed vitamin C. No ibuprofen. I try to tough it out, but gave in and started scrounging for the vicodin I hoard for times like this. I take it because it’s what my doctor gave me when I was pregnant before, and it is supposedly more safe than ibuprofen and aspririn. Acetominaphen does nothing for me in times like this.
I wasn’t going to go on and on and on about ttc, but who am I kidding This is the second month of clomid. The side effects are not as strong this time, and again I had no clear indication of ovulation. I suspect that I might have, and if I did, then I’m currently in the tww. Waiting. I’m planning to muster as much reserve as possible and not resort to being a poas junkie as in times past. To my credit, I haven’t been nearly as neurotic this month, which makes for a better chance of success. I’ve been more relaxed (for me, it’s all relative, you know). I also think that if this month is a bust, then I won’t continue the clomid. The hormones work a number on me, and I need to take a break. I need to have a mammogram anyway, so if it’s a bust, I’ll schedule that as soon as this tww is over.
I can’t help but speculate (the neurotic part of me, again –or the optimist, which sounds alot better) if the sickness and headache are due to the wonders of cell division and new life taking place. That would make it worthwhile.
