Run along now. This is a post that will likely be long and laborious. I’ve just got a load of disappointments that are eroding my sense of equilibrium, so I think it may behoove me to write it out. Perhaps I’ll feel better at the end of it.
- Much as I’m grateful for the magic and mystery that is the human body, and its ability (however challenged, in my case) to produce milk, and much as exclusive pumping has its advantages, I have to admit that I am, after all, disappointed that I don’t get to be one of those nursing mothers, completely attuned to her child, the child contentedly suckling away. I suppose there is a bit of grief to process here. It’s one of those experiences that I’d longed for and worked valiantly toward. And it’s apparently not for me. I’ve studied in earnest hundreds of pictures of nipples and breasts (dear me, I might actually get blog traffic for that combination of words) and suckling babes trying to determine what they have that I don’t have. Yes, milk flow was and is certainly a handicap, but it appears that I come from a line of women who can not nurse. Not my grandmother, not my mother, not my sister. My nipples are wide and flat, and the aerolae are huge. I could do without Gadget’s ever helpful mother’s suggestion that perhaps the baby would be able to nurse if he’d get his mouth past the nipple and on to the ‘dark circle part’. No, dear MIL, I wasn’t aware of that. Sigh. She means well, so I shouldn’t be so sarcastic and short with her. And she hasn’t seen what I have to work with. Not that I plan to flash my breasts at her, but it would go a long way in explaining things.
- I don’t like goodbyes. My sister and her family came to spend LB’s first week with us, and she filled three freezers with amazing food for us, to tide us through many months. She’s wonderful and generous and I love her to bits. It’s always so hard to say goodbye, and I selfishly wish and hope that one day we can live closer, much much closer, to each other.
- Shortly after my sister left, my mother and her husband (MH) arrived, to spend ten days with us, and they left this morning. None of the siblings have a particularly close relationship with her, but we love her. She’s our mother. So I’m sad when she leaves. It took a little arm twisting to convince her to stay as long as she did. I don’t know how much of it is her, and how much is her husband, but they generally stay only a day or two, and they zip off long before sunrise, sometimes without even saying goodbye. Well, they say goodbye at night before bed, but what’s the hurry? They’re retired. It’s easy to push buttons and tread on nerves (more on this later), but even so, it’s sad to say goodbye.
- With a new baby, we’ve been trying to organize some family get togethers, so everyone can meet him. One of my nieces planned a trip up, and wanted to make a dinner for us. We gladly accepted, and as the time drew near, we all decided to get together at my SIL’s place, rather than my place, because she’s more centrally located to all of us, so the commute would be much easier for most people. She planned to make Thai food, so Gadget said he’d stay home, since he doesn’t like Thai. I gave him the evil eye, and later I told him that it would mean a lot to me if he’d go, regardless of what was being served for dinner, because it wasn’t really about the food in the first place. He said he was only kidding (but he wasn’t) and that he’d go. Then we were trying to figure out when to get together with Gadget’s family, because we wanted to do it while my mom was here, for more family bonding. We weren’t certain of the dates, so the next thing we knew, my mother’s husband was dialing the phone. He’d called my niece, and proceeded with the grand inquisition, which probably freaked her out a bit. It would me. He has a tendency of taking more initiative within the family than many of us are comfortable with. For instance, he spanked my nephew once, and I’m not sure how my SIL handled that, but my sister who witnessed it was livid, as was my BIL, and because of that, MH is not welcome to stay in their home. Somehow, I didn’t notice that event, but I kept a bit of an eye on him while here, because I didn’t want him to be disciplining my child in such a manner. He came close, but didn’t cross the line where I’d have had to rear up as MAMA BEAR and tell him to leave the discipline to me.
- The day for the niece dinner arrived, and we converged on my SIL’s home. But where was the niece? Dinner was to be around 6, and she didn’t even arrive until after 7. She has two kids of her own, which she left at home for this trip, but surely she knew that kids can only wait so long while maintaining reasonably good behaviour. Surely she knew that? My SIL ended up putting together a quick kids meal to take care of the hoarde of hungry children. Once my niece arrived, she seemed preoccupied, and went to work immediately in the kitchen, prepared a fine meal, grabbed a plate, took a bite or two at most, then left. She left! I don’t know…. I was disappointed because we were having this family get together that it seemed as though she didn’t even want to be a part of. Maybe she didn’t really want it to be a big thing, and maybe she just wanted to come to my house by herself and cook dinner for just us, rather than for us, my mom and her husband, my sister, my nephew, and my SIL and her kids (half of whom are her half-siblings). Maybe it was family overload and maybe she has a touch of social anxiety. It runs in the family. I just don’t know. But I felt disappointed afterwards, and even now, thinking of it. I’m certainly taking it personally, whether or not I should. It feels sort of like rejection.
- The next day was the Gadget family get together. To make it easy, we bring all the food and we drive an hour and a half to get there, so they don’t have to do anything but show up at the MIL’s house. The rest of them live only minutes from her, so it makes it very convenient. But do they show up? NO! Only one of Gadget’s sisters came, apart from the brother who already lives there. His other sister and dad, who live less than a mile away, didn’t come, nor did the other brother. It will be a long time before I agree to a get-together up there again. It was especially disappointing because it seemed like it should have been a big deal, to come meet a brand new baby in the family. Plus, with my mother and her husband making the effort to extend themselves to the other side of the family, it all seems like a slap in the face. And more rejection.
- I’ve made the recent observation that there are several personalities within my family, that, were I not related, and should I cross paths in the course of living with people of these personalities, I wouldn’t befriend them, and probably would never even make any effort to introduce myself or interact with them at all. At all. This makes me sad, because these are my people. What is it they say, that you can love someone, but not like them? I suppose this is how it is. And it makes me sad. And maybe a bit ashamed.
- I find it very sobering to recognize that those traits which I find most frustrating and least appealing in my mother are traits that I quite possibly manifest myself.
…it doesn’t seem to have helped (much). I’ve written it out, but don’t feel much better, if at all.
