sueeeus

NOTE TO SELF

Should you ever decide to delete posts in future:

1. Reconsider, and change visibility to Private
2. If you decide against (1.), BACKUP your database
3. If you follow (2.) and need to recover and merge the deleted files, here are some helpful instructions that work a treat.
4. Or, if you’re not feeling particularly lazy, you might consider finding and installing an undelete widget of sorts.  I’m pretty sure there are options out there now.

SIGH

I barely blogged in 2012.  I was kind of busy.  Prior to the blogging hiatus, I deleted a bunch of posts.  Now that the hiatus is over, I sort of miss those posts.  Regardless of the chapter I’m in NOW, those posts comprise my history.  My last backup was from 31 Dec 2010.  Sad, because the major scrub took place at the end of 2011.  So I’m missing whatever posts I deleted from 2011.  Thankfully, I was able to restore whatever I deleted prior to 2011.

Lessons learned.

Onward.

You asked me if I wanted you to stay or if I wanted you to go.  I told you that I don’t like it when you give me ultimatums.  Where is the ultimatum in that, you asked.  It’s in the mere fact that you asked a leading question with only one acceptable answer.  Rather than just enjoy the fact that you are were here.  If you’re here, you’re here.  Why would I ask you to go.

You asked me if I was willing to do whatever it takes to keep this relationship alive.  I answered, “probably not”.  I answered that because I don’t know what you mean by “whatever it takes”.  No, I’m not willing to do whatever it takes.  If it means slitting my wrists, no, I’m not willing.  If it means compromising my relationship with my kids, no, I’m not willing.  It’s an absolute question to which the only answer I can give that won’t be untruthful is “probably not”.  It doesn’t mean that I won’t do anything.  I have done SO MUCH.  Do you even know?  But that was then and this is now.   And you said that was enough of an answer for you.  And off you went.  Again.

I can’t even count how many times you’ve walked out my door.  How many times you’ve hung up on me.  How many times you’ve lied to me.  Yes, I know you’ve lied to me.  Maybe not so many times that I can’t count them, but you have lied.  You speak of how much I hurt you, and I don’t think you have even a remote idea of the hurt I feel and have felt.  Nor do I want you to know.  That’s more than enough for one person.  I sense the pain you feel, and I have my own pain too.  It’s always magnified.

I wish you understood me.  You speak of partnership, and you see my unwillingness to go where you are, but it seems that you don’t see your own unwillingness to go where I am.  I told you where I have to be.  I am standing where I have to be.  I am a mother.  My children are demanding and I am trying to do my best to raise them well.  It doesn’t mean that I think  you’re not good enough for me, for us.  It doesn’t mean that I reject you.  It simply means that I choose them.  I have to choose them.  There. Is. No. Other. Choice.

Do you hear me?  They are demanding.  DEMANDING.  The stamina required of me to maintain composure and remain firm and kind and loving and gentle and solid and good and strong takes nearly every bit of will that I have.  I am weary.  I am ragged.  But this is my prime responsibility and this is what I must do.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, that I don’t value you, that I don’t see your worth.  It just means that I have absolutely no idea how to balance life with a relationship, children and work.  I can barely, barely manage to hold it all together with just children and work.

What you need and want and require in a relationship I cannot give.  I am sorry.

I don’t know what else to say.

I am sorry.

What do I need?  I need a friend.  A shoulder to cry on.  Someone who’s interested in how my day went.  Someone who’s content in knowing that I’m a friend, that I have a shoulder for them to cry on, and I’m interested in  how their day went.

You’ve been distancing yourself from me for some time now.  Do you think I didn’t know this or feel this?  Of course I did.  You said you were doing this to prepare yourself to break up with me, because this relationship isn’t working for you.

So now you’ve said it.  And now you may go.

I wish you well.

You posted a quote on your Facebook wall this morning:

Watching you walk out of my life hasn’t made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.

I read it and thought, yes, how beautiful it will be for you when the right one does come along.  Because I am not the right one, as much as you think that I am.  And I think that somewhere deep down in your heart, you know it too.

Is this the last goodbye?  I don’t know.  I’m not going anywhere.  I am here with my kids.  This is where I will be.

If you ever need a friend, or a shoulder to cry on, or someone who’s interested in how your day went, give me a call.

I am happy to bid adieu to 2012.  I would say that 2012 took me for a ride, but it would be more honest to say that I let 2012 take me for a ride.  I could call it the ride of a lifetime.  Woohoo!  Put a bright spin on it.  A ride indeed.  I think I may have experienced some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of my life in good ‘ole 2012.

It’s all good, really.  My life is full.  My children are happy and healthy.   We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our bellies, and warm beds to sleep in.

There is beauty and wisdom in all things, no matter the circumstance.  It just takes a certain perspective to be able to see it.

I won’t say that losing one’s children to the slaughter of a mad man has any beauty in it, but the shock and the horror force (some of) us to take note of our family circles, be more vigilant, hold our children more, and be more grateful for every little moment, and embrace it all.  Even when we’re at our wits end and drowning in frustration.  All these things are trifles.  I want to drink it all in.  Treasure. Every.  Moment.

The time that the children are children is fleeting.  I blinked my eyes and see so many of my nieces and nephews and my friends’ children are already grown.  Grown!  Where did the years go?

My hair is turning (more) gray.  My skin is starting to show its wear.

Professionally, I did well in 2012.  I had some lofty goals and I had actually admitted defeat to myself as well as my boss that it was unlikely that I’d be able to finish the super project before the end of the work year.   I pressed on, and somehow (by the grace of God and the skin of my teeth) I did it!  I felt like a superstar, and it was a great sense of accomplishment.  I don’t think it really mattered much to anyone but me, that I finished by the deadline, but it did matter to me, and I was/am pleased with myself  –pauses to pat self on back.  I suppose I ought to acknowledge that being a superstar for a moment barely compensates for all the days that my performance was distracted and disjointed from the emotional fray that I was buried in for the better part of the year.

Spiritually I’ve had some growth in 2012.  Not the sort of growth that a mainstream Christian might acknowledge or agree with, but I’ve learned some things and for that I’m grateful.  I thought that I wanted to settle into a church family, but realize that I’m truly not drawn that way.  I love the people, I love the worship.  But I belong to a church that is not made with hands, and that church is my home, wherever I am.  I don’t hunger for the company of a congregation, and I’m secure in the knowledge that I am a child of God.

This year has been a rough ride for me emotionally.  I’ve endured much.  I’ve made my loved ones endure much.  I tried so very hard to do more than I am able to do.  Like that image of a circus performer spinning plate after plate after plate.  I had so many plates spinning, but I just couldn’t keep it up, and they all came crashing down.  Lord, how I tried.  I gave it a good shot, though!

Physically, the twists and turns and ups and downs have taken their toll.  Whereas I’ve maintained my weight for most of the year, the past few months have seen a dramatic change in overall physical well-being.  From the moment that I made the decision to re-find myself, I’ve put on weight and my blood sugar has climbed.  Something’s got to give, I suppose.  I’m trying not to panic.  I’m attempting to take it in stride and breathe deeply, knowing that things will settle once I get a stronger grip on the emotional side of my life.

So where am I now?  I don’t really know.  In transition, I suppose.  I’m not settled.  I’m not where I want to be.  But I’m changing and standing faithfully where I need to stand.  I tell myself not to be afraid.  I tell myself that everything will be okay.  And it is.

adieu 2012

I’m feeling troubled.  It’s been a trying weekend.  Friday morning two of my production sites went haywire, and it was a scramble to try and get them fixed, to no avail.  Server migration and database connectivity issues.  Ho hum.  I have a pretty good idea of what needs to be done to repair everything, but conveying that to the help desk with the right telephone keypad menu choices is practically impossible.  So much for automated system support.  I kept checking status and resubmitting tickets all weekend long.  Again, to no avail.  Monday rolls around and I’m frantically chasing things down.  One of my tickets got linked to someone else’s ticket, and ended up in a database admin’s queue, which did neither of us any good.  I know there are reasons why server administration is tightly governed, but sometimes it would be so nice to be allowed some control over these things.  I could have fixed my problem in 5 minutes or less, but it took 3 days.

Somewhere in the midst of all that I had the thought that I really shouldn’t let it bother me so much.  The world will continue and 3 days in the scheme of things is 3 days.  Nobody will remember it after everything’s up and running again.

Friday evening when everyone had gone to bed, we heard some annoying revving sounds in the distance.  They went on for quite some time, so D got up to look out the window, and saw a man standing at the edge of the deck staircase on the side yard, as if he were about to come up to the house.  D got up and went to investigate and I stayed put for a little while, then I called the neighbors and told them we’d seen somebody lurking.  They called the sheriff.  Meanwhile, I noticed that my bedroom slider was ajar.  I use that door to step onto the bedroom patio when I need to use the phone, because I don’t get a signal inside the house, but it has been days since I took a call upstairs.  So I’m perplexed at the door being ajar, and wondering how long it’s been that way.

So many questions.  We live out in the country.  We’re not walking distance from anything or anyone.  There’s no reason for a pedestrian to be out and about, let alone walking in or across my property, and especially not at 9 pm in the pitch black night of winter.

D and I checked every nook and cranny of my house.  He said the lights inside my car were on, in the garage.  Odd.  The kids tend to leave their lights on from time to time, but these were the front cabin lights, and they never touch them.  Strange.

I’m left with the feeling that somebody might have been in my house or my garage or both.

It’s creepy, and very hard to even think about.  The whole weekend D stuck around, and I was so glad for his presence.  What if he hadn’t been there?  What if that car hadn’t been making all that noise off in the distance?  What if that man would have come into my house?  What if he’d have come in through my bedroom slider?

I kept thinking that I don’t even have the emotional capacity to be afraid.  It’s too much for me.  I didn’t have any room for fear.  It was an odd and interesting mental and emotional place to find myself.  Later, Sunday, after D had gone home and after I put the kids to bed, I climbed into bed and thought about things and sobbed for a little while, allowing myself to consider fear.  And while I was thinking about it, praying about keeping my family safe, I prayed for that guy.  Bless those who curse you.  I hope that whatever drove him to lurk on my property has departed and that his heart and intent from here forward will be to be good and not cause trouble for himself or anybody else.

Back to tonight.  I’m exhausted after a long work day.  I asked D if he wanted to Skype for a little while.  We were on for only a few minutes and he said he wanted to go.  I said goodbye, and felt queasy, as though my insides were churning.  Minutes later he posted on FaceBook that he’s ” feeling ??  not sure what to do”.

Friday morning Gadget’s daughter gave birth to a healthy baby girl.  He’s a grandpa now, and by some weird extension, I’m a sort of ex step grandma.  Meanwhile some crazy person in Connecticut took the lives of so many people, so many children.  I can’t even think about it, it hurts too much.  And later that day, all of the above.

It’s exhausting, all of this.  I’m feeling worn out on all levels.

All levels.

finding me in me

I’ve decided to take a journey to find myself.  It’s been a long time, and I’ve lost track of who I am.  It’s easy to do, this business of getting lost.  Especially when one tends to be an emotional sponge.  I am so good at absorbing the emotions that surround me that far too often I don’t even realize that they’re not MY emotions!  In fact, it is only just now dawning on me that  more often than not, this is the case.  It’s an exciting discovery, really.  All this time I thought I was depressed or anxious, and simultaneously perplexed at how that could be.  And lo!  The internet has an explanation and a solution!  Step by step measures one can take to regroup and regain composure. I’ve known for some time that I  am blessed (or cursed) with empathy, but it was more of a general concept that I accepted, but hadn’t actually explored.

I found a bundle of information, and quite a lot of it seems to stem from Dr. Judith Orloff’s writings.  She has this handy dandy quiz, and since my answer is a resounding ‘yes’ to pretty much every item on the list, I can conclude for the moment (until Google reveals something new….  ….ah how I love the internet) that I’ve found my emotional type.

QUIZ: AM I AN EMPATH?

Ask yourself:

Have I been labeled as “too emotional” or overly sensitive?

If a friend is distraught, do I start feeling it too?

Are my feelings easily hurt?

Am I emotionally drained by crowds, require time alone to revive?

Do my nerves get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talk?

Do I prefer taking my own car places so that I can leave when I please?

Do I overeat to cope with emotional stress?

Am I afraid of becoming engulfed by intimate relationships?

If you answer “yes” to 1-3 of these questions, you’re at least part empath. Responding “yes” to more than 3 indicates that you’ve found your emotional type.

(excerpted from How to Know if You’re an Empath)

Knowledge is power.  I can work with this.  I can follow some of the advice for finding balance.  I can give myself permission to accept that this is part of who I am, or how I am, and I can learn to live better with myself.  And others, by extension.

There is still quite a bit to unearth.  So many days I feel the need to just ‘hole up’ and regroup or recover.  Gather my little chickies, tuck them snugly under my wings and sit tight.  I don’t want to see people, go anywhere, talk to anyone.  I just want to be quiet.

And that’s okay.  Because that is part of me and what I need.

And it’s okay to be me!

crazy

He says nobody makes him more crazy than I do.  I’m just being me, and not conforming to the version of me he wants or needs me to be.  He’s out there, alone in a house, by himself, without me by his side.  He’s aching.  He’s lonely.  He can’t stand to be alone.  It makes him crazy.  It baffles him that I don’t understand how he feels (he thinks I don’t understand).  It rips his heart up to know that I’m not going crazy with loneliness and separation.  He may think that I love him less because I’m not missing him.  But I’m going crazy on my own over here.  My own version of crazy.

He has only himself to keep up with.  When his work day is done, he can rest.  I have children to care for.  Every aspect of their precious little lives is critical to me, and right now, their emotional health is even more so.  I remember being four and feeling like I was in the way.  I remember being eight and feeling like I couldn’t do anything right.  I remember, and those feelings, whether valid or not, contributed to the adult I became, and all of the emotional struggles I’ve dealt with along the way.  I find myself starved for time, racing through each day trying to scrounge up enough to give them at least a little attention, trying to lovingly direct them and instruct them when they’re bouncing off the walls and the furniture.  Literally.  They are boisterous little boys, and it’s their unbridled joy at simply being that compels them to jump on the furniture and play and have fun.  While I want them to respect property, I want to somehow teach them without squelching or scarring them.  God grant me the wisdom and patience to do this.  Truth be told, though, inside I rejoice that my boys exhibit such glee.  In my heart I say, “GO AHEAD!  Jump! Play! Laugh! Rejoice!”  (Please don’t hurt yourselves or anything, and please be respectful of others’ things, but don’t stop rejoicing, my beautiful little boys.)

loves of my life

I am exhausted.  It takes a great deal of time and energy to lovingly, patiently and kindly see to it that the teeth get brushed, the clothes get changed, the schoolwork gets done, and the bodies get clean.  Life with my kids is my priority right now.  They need me.  I need them.  I absolutely need to take this time for them and with them.  I need this for them.  I need this for me.

It doesn’t mean I love him less than I did before.  It only means that I recognize now that far too often in the past year I’ve shuffled them aside in my endeavor to be a couple, and that is something that I should never have allowed myself to do, and something that I want to ensure does not happen again.

I’m going my own kind of crazy, wondering when and  how I will ever have a little time to myself so that I can at least try to collect my thoughts and calm the storm that is raging in my head.

tunnel of lights

I’ve been coming to terms with the commute and yesterday found some moments of joy in the early morning light.  As I drove along the southbound express lanes, there was a point before daylight where the street lights aligned with the reflectors on the freeway lane dividers and the effect was as though I were driving through a tunnel of lights.  It was lovely.  Magical, even.  Amidst that moment of wondrous reflection, I noticed the city lights to my right.  Had I stayed in my former residence, I would never have had the opportunity to behold this jewel of a city in this special time before daylight arrives, and a jewel it is.  We have such a beautiful city skyline, and it sparkles in multicolored splendor.  I felt my face softening with the smile that emerged as I basked in gratitude for the privilege of beholding this beauty.  Blessings abound if we but open our eyes.

city lights

That said, leaving the house a few minutes late can double the commute time, which is nothing short of excruciating.

morning blur

Today I spent the day working in the fancy facility that happens to be much closer to my home than my normal office.  The Taj.  It’s a beautiful building with expansive windows and skylights, a skybridge to its sister tower, numerous escalators and elevators, and casual conference seating areas scattered about the atrium on all levels of the building.  I noticed a dry cleaning drop box and a DVD return box.  I was a bit perplexed until I stumbled upon the employee resources area where one can rent movies, pick up their freshly cleaned clothes, and shop for gifts and various sundries.  There is a bank branch area with a live teller.  A live teller!  Not just an ATM machine.  There is a company store, separate from the other gift shop.  There is a [commercial] coffee shop with baristas and pastries.  Baristas!  The cafeteria is enormous with several themed dining options.  It felt like I was in a city or a shopping plaza.  It was overwhelming.  Far from my comfort zone.  I walked out on the terrace and found a private bench nestled among giant planters filled with foliage where I hid had my lunch and breathed deeply the wonderful crisp November air, trying to fend off the anxiety.  My work facility is a customer facing area, so our digs aren’t too shabby.  Or so I thought, before I experienced The Taj.  They have dry cleaning and DVD rentals.  We have complimentary hand sanitizer.  I think that all those amenities are intended to sum up to the conclusion that The Taj is a great place to work.  But I don’t think it’s a great place for me.

I was considering spending one day a week at this facility, but am having second thoughts.  The facility is huge, and the building where my counterparts work is not The Taj, so maybe it will be palatable after all.  I will explore further before I decide whether I want to branch this direction or not.

tornado

Oh the thinks I think.  I need to think.  I need to write.  I need to settle.  I need to rest.

...two hours into the commute... ...on the freeway... driving at the speed of...

I left the house at 5:39 a.m., and made it to work a little after 8.  Part of me wonders what on earth I have done, moving my family and my self out into the country.  Granted, had I been able to leave the house at 5:20, which is the goal, I might well have made it to work by 6:30.  Traffic is insane like that.  But who knows.  Part of me is concerned about winter and how life out there will be.  I have to remind myself that thousands of other people live out there and still function, so we will also be able to function.  I may have to work from home if the roads are particularly bad.  And thanks be to God that I can do that. 

Everything will be okay.  I know that everything will be okay.  But right now, everything hurts.  Only, I don’t dare take much time to give it much thought.  There is too much to do in this storm right now.  There is work.  There is caring for my children.  There are appointments.  There are meetings.  There is a steady flow of things that require my time, all my time, so I just keep going, keep doing, and walk through this storm.  Things will settle around me and everything will be fine.  The blue sky will burst through the clouds.  There will be sunshine and fresh air.  Everything will be fine.  Everything is fine.

Everything is Fine

We are warm.  We are fed.  We are safe.  We are comfortable.  We are loved.  We are fine.

I miss writing.

I’m back.

I hope.

is patient

is kind

does not envy

does not boast

 is not proud

does not dishonor others

is not self-seeking

is not easily angered

keeps no record of wrongs

does not delight in evil

rejoices with the truth

always protects

always trusts

always hopes

always perseveres

~I COR 13:4-7