It seems that there is often a battle waging between ‘what is’ and ‘what should be’. It spans many layers of life. In my professional incarnation, it comes out in the form of requirements that attempt to capture what should be, and the resulting implementation that describes what is. In such case, the ‘what should be’ is known and understood, at least by me, the designer, and the ‘what is’ depends on how well I communicated the requirements and how well the implementer understood the intent. If I’m the implementer, then the ‘what is’ generally aligns with the ‘what should be’, because things aren’t lost in translation.
When it comes to internal thought processes, mainly wrestling with emotions, things get murky. There seems to be a nearly constant battle between how I feel and how I think I should feel. The fact of the matter is that I feel the way I feel. It’s ‘what is’. The problem is that I’ve interjected some sort of judgment that, for whatever reason, I somehow think that there is some other way that I should feel. I don’t know where I get the notion of ‘what should be’, other than that it is vastly different than ‘what is’. The vast difference causes no small amount of havoc within me.
Maybe it’s part of observing general operating characteristics within the crowd, and formulating the standard for ‘what should be’. If I followed any sort of logical approach, I would accept that it’s clear that I’m not like the crowd, I’m an outlier, and as such, the general rule for the crowd doesn’t fit or apply. I’m a corner case. I shouldn’t torture and chastise myself for not being like others, and I shouldn’t expect myself to be like others. I am how I am. I’m a feeler. I feel. This, in itself, is exhausting. Feeling all the feels. Trying to squeeze myself into some other form than I am is like kicking me while I’m down. So I’m already exhausted, just from being (not having sufficient replenishing measures in working order), and I’m knocking myself about, further abusing myself. How could I treat someone like that? I’m the worst.
The key is to know and understand the ‘what should be’. How do I determine that, for the corner case that I represent? I’ve stumbled on some resources in my quest for understanding. The self-chastising character whispers something about itching ears and heaping teachers. The reasonable character agrees, maybe that’s the case, and goes on to assert that, even if so, what of it, if there is a benefit to come of it? That inner battle aside (see?), we can continue. There’s a thing called sensory processing sensitivity. People with a high measure of this are called highly sensitive people, HSPs. It’s a thing. It well describes me. I am taking great comfort in reading the articles posted on The Highly Sensitive Refuge. I keenly identify with so much of it, and it helps me feel less alone in this struggle, this struggle of being.
I want to finally give myself permission to feel the way I feel. To simply accept it as what is and what should be, and let myself be myself. Maybe then I can just spill it in all its honesty. Maybe then I can finally feel better, stronger, whole.
