sueeeus

I am happy to bid adieu to 2012.  I would say that 2012 took me for a ride, but it would be more honest to say that I let 2012 take me for a ride.  I could call it the ride of a lifetime.  Woohoo!  Put a bright spin on it.  A ride indeed.  I think I may have experienced some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of my life in good ‘ole 2012.

It’s all good, really.  My life is full.  My children are happy and healthy.   We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our bellies, and warm beds to sleep in.

There is beauty and wisdom in all things, no matter the circumstance.  It just takes a certain perspective to be able to see it.

I won’t say that losing one’s children to the slaughter of a mad man has any beauty in it, but the shock and the horror force (some of) us to take note of our family circles, be more vigilant, hold our children more, and be more grateful for every little moment, and embrace it all.  Even when we’re at our wits end and drowning in frustration.  All these things are trifles.  I want to drink it all in.  Treasure. Every.  Moment.

The time that the children are children is fleeting.  I blinked my eyes and see so many of my nieces and nephews and my friends’ children are already grown.  Grown!  Where did the years go?

My hair is turning (more) gray.  My skin is starting to show its wear.

Professionally, I did well in 2012.  I had some lofty goals and I had actually admitted defeat to myself as well as my boss that it was unlikely that I’d be able to finish the super project before the end of the work year.   I pressed on, and somehow (by the grace of God and the skin of my teeth) I did it!  I felt like a superstar, and it was a great sense of accomplishment.  I don’t think it really mattered much to anyone but me, that I finished by the deadline, but it did matter to me, and I was/am pleased with myself  –pauses to pat self on back.  I suppose I ought to acknowledge that being a superstar for a moment barely compensates for all the days that my performance was distracted and disjointed from the emotional fray that I was buried in for the better part of the year.

Spiritually I’ve had some growth in 2012.  Not the sort of growth that a mainstream Christian might acknowledge or agree with, but I’ve learned some things and for that I’m grateful.  I thought that I wanted to settle into a church family, but realize that I’m truly not drawn that way.  I love the people, I love the worship.  But I belong to a church that is not made with hands, and that church is my home, wherever I am.  I don’t hunger for the company of a congregation, and I’m secure in the knowledge that I am a child of God.

This year has been a rough ride for me emotionally.  I’ve endured much.  I’ve made my loved ones endure much.  I tried so very hard to do more than I am able to do.  Like that image of a circus performer spinning plate after plate after plate.  I had so many plates spinning, but I just couldn’t keep it up, and they all came crashing down.  Lord, how I tried.  I gave it a good shot, though!

Physically, the twists and turns and ups and downs have taken their toll.  Whereas I’ve maintained my weight for most of the year, the past few months have seen a dramatic change in overall physical well-being.  From the moment that I made the decision to re-find myself, I’ve put on weight and my blood sugar has climbed.  Something’s got to give, I suppose.  I’m trying not to panic.  I’m attempting to take it in stride and breathe deeply, knowing that things will settle once I get a stronger grip on the emotional side of my life.

So where am I now?  I don’t really know.  In transition, I suppose.  I’m not settled.  I’m not where I want to be.  But I’m changing and standing faithfully where I need to stand.  I tell myself not to be afraid.  I tell myself that everything will be okay.  And it is.

adieu 2012

A recap for 2011.  So many emotions.  So many things.  So much drama.  So much stress. So. Much. Stress.

My dad died in May.

The pursuit of happily ever after.

Too much Gadget drama.

Off and on and on and off of various anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds.

Falling in LOVE!  Oh!  So amazing!  Sadly that heady wave was quickly quashed or tarnished by all manner of things –  judgments, misunderstandings, misconceptions…  So. Many. Things.

The test of time will show all things.  I have that knowledge for comfort and peace.

Going back to church.  Getting back into more focused and formal prayer and worship.  My heart welcomes that kind of fellowship with a warm yearning.

Establishing structure with my kids.

So much work.

So little time.

No time for me.  No. Time. For. Me.

It seems that all I can do is go full steam ahead, just to stay alive and hold things together, but no time to breathe.  For the most part, I appear calm and together on the outside.  But I’m just going, going, going.

This year my defining word was “Be”.  I hardly feel as though I’ve lived that at all.  Instead, all it seems I’ve done is just survive.  Just kept breathing.  Just kept moving.  Just kept going.  No time to think of much of anything at all.  Just holding it all together.

I’m not on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.  I’ve normalized and decided that I really don’t need them.  Sometimes I feel like I’m hanging by a thread.  What kind of mother am I being?  Do they see me strong and together, or do they see me hanging by that thread?

So sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of those around me.  Oh how I need to guard myself better, so that I don’t react, but remain clear and calm and unhurt.  Oh. Lord.  The hurt.  I’ve cried gallons of tears. Ached to the depths of my heart, been tried to the very limits of my abilities and strength.

How am I doing?  Am I being a good mother?  Am I being a good friend?  Am I being a good partner?  Am I being a good sister?  Am I being a good daughter?  Am. I. Being. A. Good. Christian?

Every day my prayer is this:  I beg of the Lord to give me ears to hear, eyes to see, a heart to know and a mind to understand as GOD hears, sees, knows, and understands.  Sometimes I have no strength, but can only say, “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.”  All the strength I have,mustered into those two words, “Oh God.”

And I keep going.  One more breath. One more day.  One more step.

I’m nearly 47 years old.  It’s time to embrace life and live to live.  Live to love.  Joy and rejoice.  Where is the joy in the midst of all this stress?  Oh how I want to laugh and feel light hearted.  Why so heavy a burden on me?  Do I bring it upon myself?  Surely I do. I must.  All I want is to be my best and do my best.  Am I selfish or selfless?  Who am I?  What am I?

Do I have a defining word for 2012?

My first thought is to choose “Live”, but I think I shall focus on “Gratitude”.  Gratitude is focused outward, not inward.  There is more healing and soul-filling to be had when focused outward over inward. Or I could choose ‘Humility.”  It’s a constant and worthy endeavor, to embrace humility.  Maybe I’ll choose a phrase.  Live graciously.  It takes gratitude and humility to do so.  Yes.  For 2012, I will make a conscious effort to live graciously.