sueeeus

hooray for the birthday boy

Today my BB turned six. He’s such a remarkable young man. He has spunk and attitude, and beneath that, a warm and tender heart.

He’s passionate and sensitive, stubborn, and independent.  He is very physical and very visual.  He likes sticks and stones and leaves and feathers; my little nature boy.

homework - what I did on holiday

He’ll spend  hours working on one page of homework, the results a scribbly mess –because he doesn’t want to do it, and then he’ll whip out a complex drawing in a matter of minutes.  I marvel at his artistic abilities.  He draws from memory, from some picture in his head.  I watched him draw the crabs and trees — he pulled them right out of his mind and put them on the paper.

crabs, coconuts, and sunset

He’s a dreamer, spinning visions of fantastical things with his active imagination.

My friend Sailor once told him that girls get everything they want, so the sooner he accepts that, the better off he will be.  Some people’s friends.  Months later, BB tells me he wants to be a girl, or a grownup.  Because girls get whatever they want, and because grownups get to make their own choices.

One day we were talking about brains and I mentioned that I’d heard that people who are very smart have more lines on their brains.  At school he heard that girls are smarter than boys, and boys are cooler than girls.  Again, he wants to be a girl so he can have more lines on his brain.

But Mama, I’m a boy, so I don’t have very many lines on my brain.

I assured him that there are many boys who are smarter than girls.

It’s thrilling to watch his life unfold, to see the person he has grown to be.  This little one came from me, is a part of me.  I want him to live a beautiful life.  I want him to be secure in the knowledge that he is wanted, treasured, and loved.

the best present ever

How I love this boy!

Sometimes I feel as though I’m spread too thin and I just don’t know how to hold it all together.

I want to be able to give my kids the kind of attention that they need without being manipulated by them.  I want to give them love and support, and I want to nurture them, but I also want to give them direction and I want them to learn to respect others and to be obedient.  I so want them to grow up to be good, upstanding people in this world.

I also want to be able to give due attention to my new found love, and to nurture this relationship so that it can grow and flourish.  I so want it to work.

And I’d also like to give myself some attention, in which I can somehow recharge my weary self so that I have something to even give to the people in my life.

I’m recognizing that when Skills is here, my boys behave badly; there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth.  Clearly, they are competing for attention, and choosing the path of least resistance, which has the most immediate attention-winning potential, albeit negative attention.  I have to be swift and immediate when administering correction.  Everything is disrupted, and in the end, nobody is happy.  It’s exhausting, especially to my gentle, harmony-seeking soul.

Today I had some time alone with BB, and it was nice.  He behaved well, for the most part.  We painted some of the living room while LB napped.

I love his drawings

He was so worried about getting into trouble, he didn’t want to tell me if he spilled a drop of paint, or got some paint on his fingers.  Bless his precious little heart.  The boy is constantly in trouble for not listening or helping himself without asking or not sharing or complaining about what’s for dinner.  He loves to draw, and I’m thrilled to see his confidence and ability grow as he draws and draws and draws.  He’s got great imagination, and I try to let him know how much I like his drawings.  I save almost all of them.  Some day when he’s older I will show him, and he will know that even though he may remember me barking at him constantly, I was always loving and appreciating him.

the artist at work

He doesn’t know that I watch him when he draws.  I see him, intent on his work, and my heart swells with a mixture of emotions — some joy, some wistfulness, much love.  My little boy, alone, entertaining himself.  I need to be more interactive with him, somehow.  Somehow.

Later, BB was tired and LB was wide awake, so I brought LB downstairs with me, snuggled him next to me on the sofa under a soft blanket and we nibbled on crackers together.  He was so happy, there in my arms.  It was sweet to have some one-on-one time with him.  I got to fill up on toddler sweetness, as he’d raise his beautiful little face to look at me and giggle as we ‘talked’ about how yummy the crackers were.

It’s amazing how small moments as these can be so energizing and healing.  To share positive attention with my children, to hug them, tell them I love them, smile into their eyes –these things are so fulfilling.  And yet, somehow, moments like these seem so few and far between.

How I wish I could figure out how to balance it all, how to see and assess the moments and deflect or divert situations before they escalate or explode.  It’s like I’m a bomb squad of one, under constant pressure to figure out whether to cut the red wire or the blue wire.  Or maybe the white one.  Unless there’s a green one.  Or it could be the black one.  It’s exhausting.

Hello there, my Beautiful Boy!  You are such a fine young boy.  I love how you say, “I don’t know ever-fing, cos I’m just a booooooyyyyyyy.”  You look so grown up!  You sound so grown up!  You are quite the conversationalist, and I’m often astounded at the things you say, although we all could have done without you matter of factly calling your dad an SOB last night, because he wouldn’t let you have your way.   We knew it was a matter of time when you’d try that one out.  Sometimes your antics drive me batty, and I have to remind myself that you’re only four.  You are as sharp as a tac, and because of that, you keep me on my toes, always!  You are very very good at behaving badly, and how can I fault you when you explain that “it’s fun for me-eeeeee….”   I’m so challenged, finding ways to explain to you how to behave.

I love the way you talk to me in the morning, after you’re refreshed yourself with a good night’s sleep.  Often you lift your sweet face to me, and say, “Mommy, I’m sorry I acted up last day.”  We talk about you working on your attitude and your temper, and you promise to try harder.  It’s so hard to be four, isn’t it?!

You are a light in my life, my Beautiful Boy.  You have a big, beautiful, loving heart.  I love the way you hug and kiss your little brother.  I love that you still like to snuggle with me.  I love the way you spontaneously wrap your arms around me and bury your face in me.  I love the way you kiss me goodbye every morning when I leave you at daycare, and the way you always turn the last kiss into a big raspberry.  I love your sense of humor.  I love your sense of compassion.  I hope and pray that I can always be for you the mother you need me to be, to nurture you, guide you, teach you, and raise you to be the best  you can be.

I love YOU, my Beautiful Boy!  My beautiful, four year old boy.  Happy Birthday.