I stand in condemnation and read the words on the page that summarize conclusions about my personality, my issues, my mental state. People who love me have taken it upon themselves to make conclusions about me, and speak authoritatively, as if they know. As. If. They. Know.
If I rise up in indignation, does that mean there is credence in the accusations? If I were innocent, I wouldn’t have anything to be angry about, and why would I care what anybody says or thinks? That’s a bunch of bullshit, though. I care what people say and think, whether it has credence or not. THAT is one of my personality flaws. Whether or not it matters, whether or not it’s true. I only want goodness for everyone and for myself. From the time I was a child, I was hyper sensitive to these things. Always wanting to do the right thing. To please everyone. Not to let anyone down. It’s the core of me. Do I need therapy to correct that? I don’t know. Maybe. What is wrong with trying to be good?
I actually HAVE had counseling for that very thing. The bottom line: if the manifestation of my people pleasing tendencies serve me well, amen. If they don’t serve me well, then pay attention and be aware. Case in point. I kick ass in my professional life. Kick. Ass. People pleasing has served me well. I’m an over-achiever. I get things done single handedly that take entire departments to do. Cradle to grave. Me. Just me. Requirements. Design. Architecture. Business model. Business case. Construction. Test. Debug. Release. Communication. Training. Process definition. Project management. Change management. Documentation. The business. Analysis. Diagnosis. Troubleshooting. Corrective action. Tracking. Statistics. Marketing. Support. Administration. Business focal. Technical focal. Information Technology focal. ALL OF IT. And my reward? I’m respected in my field, by my peers and my management. I’ve been promoted as high as I can go. I’m recognized and esteemed. It serves me well.
And what of my mental instability? I’ve blogged ad nauseum for years. I work through my stuff here. Openly.
“What you’ve been through since your divorce is kind of making it seem like your marriage to Gadget wasn’t that bad after all. At least you had some stability. I envisioned you crusading forth like other single moms, but that’s not the path you’ve taken.”
Now that’s a kicker. The suffocating abyss in which I lived was preferable to the life I live now. I’ve met a lot of men in the last two years, but I haven’t paraded them through my kids’ lives. Met, not dated. Yes, two men have come and gone in that time. Does that make me unstable? Of course I would rather have met the right one and stayed with him. But I didn’t. How the hell does anyone know whether someone fits unless they try? So I’ve tried. God bless me for picking myself back up, brushing off the dust, and starting over again. So why the condemnation? Mama ain’t no ho. I’m not going to put myself or my children in harm’s way. And even if I were drunken and delirious and high and completely blind in the moment, it would become evident in very short course, and I would snap out of it and that would be that. So why drag someone through the dirt and invoke unnecessary pain?
I’m not trying to fill a hole in my life with somebody or some thing. I stand strong as a complete human being. I am good. I am whole. I am not broken. I DON’T NEED ANY BODY OR ANY THING.
I want somebody though. Want! Not need. I want to spend the rest of my life with one and only one man. The rest of my life. Every breathing moment. I want to be a devoted and loving wife to a devoted and loving husband. I want my kids to grow up with a positive male influence. I want them to have a step-dad.
Who the hell has the right to tell me I shouldn’t want these things? It’s MY life. My decision.
