sueeeus

In many ways I am a simple person.  I am blessed to have a toolbox filled with many assorted items, but I am master of none.  Sometimes Oftentimes  I yearn to manifest excellence.  I’m not selling myself short.  I have very high standards, and am a perfectionist at that, so the realization of excellence is no small thing.  I can say that I am very good at many things, but excellent?  Alas, no.  (I do have a book that I plan to work through, called How to Do More Great Work, and hopefully it will help propel me, or at least inspire me.)

Where am I going with this?  I have no idea.

Oh.

Something I say in my online dating profile is that “I am inspired by good conversation, warmth, sharp wit and an animated spirit. I am thrilled by excellence in any form. I thrive on creativity.”

Recently I’ve been blessed with some amazing conversation that does, in fact, reflect all of those attributes.  Warmth.  Sharp wit.  Animated spirit.  And it has been thrilling, to say the least.  Inspiring, even.  The most marked manifestation happens when conversing via instant messenger chat.  Words are flying as fast as the fingers can type.  And the curious thing is, when they arrive, often they are the same words (not verbatim, but the same concepts, in each others’ speech style), so the thoughts being expressed have this sweet synchronicity.  It’s like a sensation of deja vu, when the words appear on screen.  You know that the person on the other side couldn’t possibly have read your words, then formulated and typed a response in so short a time.  We are left scratching our heads in wonder and bewilderment.  Then I realize I have a silly grin planted firmly on my face.

It’s a very sweet thing, this sense of synchronicity.  It’s like looking in the other person’s face and seeing oneself.  Knowing that other person sees inside and knows what and who they see.  A peaceful feeling descends.  A feeling of being home.

That alone is enough to make me think, “pinch me, I must be dreaming, this can’t be real.”

And then.

There is the dimension of touch.  A simple touch, the most innocent contact, and warmth emanates where fingers meet face or hand meets shoulder.  Eyes close.  Peace descends.  Tranquility surrounds.

Again, I shake my head, tousle my hair, and think, “pinch me, I must be dreaming, this can’t be real.”

But it is.

It’s real.

I’m awake.

I’m not dreaming.

I am humbled.

And profoundly blessed.

~*~*~*~

The saga unfolds. Unexpected, but most truly welcome.  What shall the future hold? There has been Gadget. There has been Skills. Now, there is Spock.  And hopefully much more to come.

Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
— Spock, “The Squire of Gothos”, stardate 2124.5

stones

I scheduled a donation truck and left a mountain of things, the remainder of unwanted accumulations from the Gadget years, in front of the garage in the hopes that it would be gone when I returned home.  And so it was!  I can’t even say how delighted I felt, to pull up to my house and see no trace of the mountain.

Finally, my home, all of it, is mine again.  It’s a good feeling.

Closure.

steps

Last night, after a short message transaction, Skills de-friended me on FaceBook.  Apparently keeping the friendship channels open isn’t going to work for him.  I guess it’s understandable.  Regrouping is difficult after being entwined with someone, and it was a lot for me to hope that we could go on with the warmth of friendship.  So he cut all ties.  I wish him the best.

More closure.

It’s okay.

light

And it’s interesting, in the scheme of things, how events transpire.  As though the universe planned it all along.  This day.  This was the prescribed day for closure to happen.

In one sense, closure brings with it a deep sense of decompression, but it’s accompanied with a marked physical reaction.  There is an exhaustion that pulls at my very bones, and I feel as though my body is giving in and collapsing, finally, under the compounded stresses of the past year.  And I think it’s okay.  I think it’s a release that I need to go through.  A cleansing to wash these poisons out of me.  Hopefully forever.

So I’m sipping my echinacea, vitamin C and zinc concoction, bundled up in my jammies and robe, and getting ready to curl up as tight as I can in the safe haven of my pristine new bed, and let what will be, be.

sunset

I am certain the sun will shine brightly, come the dawn, and I will have a deeper sense of peace to anchor me.

In the stars His handiwork I see

On the winds He speaks with majesty

When I was young, I clung to those words, and many like them.  They gave me great comfort, and grounded me.  They came from spiritual songs and they planted a seed within me that eventually took root.  In a way, I think they formed me.

~*~*~*~

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life path.  I know I’ve written about it before, when counting my blessings and contemplating gratitude.  When I put my mind in that place, I realize that every moment of trial and tribulation was a moment well spent, because each of those moments contributed to my life path that put me here, now (or there, then).  I have so much!  I have my children.  It was by no means an easy journey, and I suppose accomplished more by brute force than by faith, but accomplished just the same.  It was the dream of all dreams.  Granted, it didn’t come in the packaging I’d envisioned, but I can see now that even that near decade of a life less lived still placed me here, now.  And here, now, at this moment in time, I am effervescing with the thrill of seeing a future with endless, magical possibilities.  Here, now, at this moment in time, I am bursting with the delight of this very moment.  This.  Very.  Moment.  It takes my breath away.

~*~*~*~

I recall contrasting my marriage to the relationships of others I know, and marveling at the friendships they shared.  I recall thinking, how is it that something so simple and divine as friendship can be seemingly so readily had by all these others, but not by me?  Am I so imperious that there is no place for a meeting of the minds?  Why is it out of my grasp?  It ripped at my heart, and completely confounded me.  Ultimately, it jaded me.  I was resigned to doing what I could to make my marriage work, so I was resigned to accepting the fact that that level of intimacy was not written in the stars for me.  I was defeated.

Until.

My life path changed.

The epiphany and ensuing flurry of events that brought me here, now.

~*~*~*~

I believe in miracles.

~*~*~*~

The universe conspired so that my life and that of another collided.  We are thrilling in the joy of discovery.

~*~*~*~

We are speaking.

We are listening.

We are hearing.

We are laughing.

We are crying.

We are learning.

We are understanding.

We are smiling.

We are healing.

We are treading ever so softly, Skills and I, to gently tend this garden we are growing.

We are thanking God, and bowing down in humility, reverence, and gratitude.