Lost
On a painted sky
Where the clouds are hung
For the poet’s eye
You may find him
If you may find him
There
On a distant shore
By the wings of dreams
Through an open door
You may know him
If you may
Be
As a page that aches for a word
Which speaks on a theme that is timeless
While the sun God will make for your day
Sing
As a song in search of a voice that is silent
And the one God will make for your way
And we dance
To a whispered voice
Overheard by the soul
Undertook by the heart
And you may know it
If you may know it
While the sand
Would become the stone
Which begat the spark
Turned to living bone
Holy, holy
Sanctus, sanctus
Be…
(Neil Diamond, from the Jonathan Livingston Seagull soundtrack)
~*~*~
Be. It was my defining word for this year, and this year is nearly over. I’m finding myself struggling again. I’m over-extended and overwhelmed. It takes all the strength that I can muster to hold it all together. I’m suffering from the people pleasing blues. And it’s not all that easy to be a full time working single mom. Blah blah blah. I know, I’m preaching to the choir (just let me have my pity party, please?)
People think that I am smarter than I am. I can’t seem to fathom why people don’t just choose to be open and trusting and kind and loving. How foolish is that? It’s my default state and it leaves me wide open for all manner of attack. The thing is, I don’t expect attack, and very seldom do I experience attack. It seems ironic that the attack I perceive is not from those without, but from those within. My own people.
“Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor.”
That would be Mark 6:4. Yep. There’s nothing new under the sun.
I exhaust myself. This reactionary emotional hair trigger is a beast that I have yet to master. I’m looking for that quiet, calm place where I can have some clarity.
Sueeeus Maximus. What does she want? What are the desires of her heart? What is she all about?
Guess what? It’s so simple, really. She just wants to live joyfully. To love and be loved. To laugh, to smile. To understand and be understood. To listen and to hear. To give and to serve. So why all the scrutiny and judgement?
I just want to be.
And to be free to love the one I love.
Good grief.
