Matters regarding child support and parenting continue ad nauseum. The latest kicker – Gadget informed me that he and a coworker were fired. Because of this, he wants me to call off the child support order, and cancel the accumulation of arrears. I was too emotionally and mentally exhausted to be able to talk or think about it, but I did tell him that his wages can’t be garnished if he’s not working. It didn’t seem to appease him.
Again, it’s Wednesday, and I’ve been trying in vain to coordinate with him regarding the upcoming weekend. He’s expressed that he wants the kids to visit, but he hasn’t confirmed any details. No surprise, but it remains tedious, frustrating, and annoying.
Part of my communication attempts included an email to his work address, which bounced as undeliverable. I know, it’s sad, but part of me questioned whether being fired was a lie, conjured as a means to coerce me into pity and calling off the order.
Greedy beeyotch that I am, and all.
Even so, things being what they are, I can’t help but think that this man is beyond neck deep in a mid life crisis. His dad, his dearest brother, and his marriage all died within the past year and a half. He took on a new wife and four new children, which must be very stressful. How can one be married to someone without feeling some sort of responsibility to them (and the children), however small? He’s now lost his job. He’s on a downward spiral, and as much as I’m disappointed in the colors he’s shown for his responsibilities toward our children, I don’t wish any ill upon him. I don’t know how he copes with stress, other than road rage, porn, and gadget acquisitions. He doesn’t fall for the normal vices, like drugs and alcohol, which is good. I just don’t know how he will rise above the mess that is his life.
The knowledge that he has a collection of firearms nags at the back of my mind and I hope beyond all hope that he doesn’t find himself in the place or state of mind that my brother found himself, five years ago. And I don’t even dare think that he could possibly go postal toward me. It does bother me tremendously that he has those damned guns, though.
I don’t like to see people anguish through life. Granted, things in general do not happen without reason, and choices could have been made at many points that could have altered the course of events. Even so, he is suffering.
I want him to be happy. I want him to earn a good and respectable living. I want him to pull himself out of the pit he’s gotten himself into. Emphasis on him. In retrospect I can see that what I’ve done in the past was enable him and as much as he kicks and screams and calls me an evil grasping greedy wench now, standing my ground and not giving in to him is my way of helping him.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m sad for him.
