Thank you all for your warmth and well wishes. Things have been mostly good, with a smattering of not-so-good. It’s so easy to fall back into familiar patterns, and many of those are patterns that could stand to be reshaped into something better. Yet there they are.
The good things have been sweet and uplifting. Even encouraging. But one careless comment and in less than a blink of an eye, whoosh, we’re teetering on the brink, flailing and trying to regain our balance.
It’s precarious.
He’s going through something that I don’t understand, and I’m trying to give him as much clearance as he needs. Yet there are times when I can’t help but think about how I’m bending over backwards to make sure his needs are met, but the price is that my needs are compromised. My needs that have already been compromised. For so, so long. I yearn for balance.
Do I not deserve it, since I’ve set the precedence by being an enabler? A fixer? A comforter? A mother?
It’s my nature to help. I’m a helper.
Sometimes it feels as though I’m being taken advantage of; and that — I don’t like.
The devil on one shoulder sneers, “You did it to yourself,” and the angel on the other shoulder whispers, “You are loved.”
Always having to be the strong one takes it toll, and seeds of resentment slowly put down roots.
Tomorrow I’m taking a day off to get my hair done and window shop the downtown market, alone. It will be very, very good for me.
I have some happy posts with new kiddo pictures coming soon. They fill me up, my beautiful boys.
