Man with a capital M
I’m not sure what he thinks of me, at this point. (Other than that I’m whacked, which I fully admit.) I hope that in time he will find the warm places in his heart that we shared, and that he will be able to smile and be grateful for having had those experiences and feelings.
I’m grateful. I’ve recently been contemplating much about the path I’ve walked thus far, and realized that he gave me something that I’d not really experienced before. Thrill. He is manly among men. M.A.N. He’s confident and carries himself with a swagger. His arms are gloriously defined and he’s strong as can be. M.A.N. When he smiles, he lights up the room. And he smells good. He wears a variety of colognes that are completely tasteful and he has the sense to wear them with subtlety, which makes him that much more enticing. In fact, his personal hygiene is impeccable. He’s always clean and fresh, and while we were together, I could nibble on him for hours if he’d let me. I can’t recall any other time in my life where I’ve wanted to do that. The smooth feel of a freshly shaved face, and the rough feel a few hours later, both equally delicious. And what woman wouldn’t thrill at the embrace of a strong, manly man? Somehow, it makes a woman feel more like a woman.
Lying side by side, he would lift me, effortlessly (I could finish the sentence, but I don’t think that part is necessary). That act, which consumed only one or two seconds in the fabric of time, is imprinted in my mind, hopefully forever. And with each recollection, I can relive the thrill and feel the butterflies in my stomach and the goosebumps on my arms.
In one sense, it’s kind of tragic to have lived forty five years and experienced so very little intimate thrill, but in another sense, I count myself blessed to have gotten to experience it at all.
I tell him that I love him, but I can’t really explain how and why we don’t fit. I will always have a warm place of love in my heart for Skills, the beautiful man who woke me up and made me feel alive again. And somewhere, in his heart of hearts, beneath the oh, so very tough and manly exterior that protects him, the place where we met and stayed for a while, I think he will preserve a little love for me.
