losing it
~*~*~*~
Actually, the day started out well. I felt rested. I’m beginning to sleep better, not waking at 4:09 a.m. each and every morning. It’s very healing, to be able to sleep. I think my whole self can barely take any more of the loads I’ve been subjecting her to for the past who knows how many years. It’s been compounding this year, understandably.
I try fruitlessly to coordinate with the kids’ dad, and get little to no cooperation. Things turn into bicker fests, and that’s the last thing I want. I’m seldom fast enough on my feet (figuratively) to be ready for things said, so I seem to play into the games, each and every time. It’s so wearying. And ridiculous. It’s been over a year since we parted ways, and nearly a year since we’ve been divorced. There’s no need to continue bickering like immature hot headed teenagers. I don’t want it. All I want is a routine, simple and clearly defined. He does his part, I do mine.
I can’t enforce anything. I can’t make him do his part.
I feel like I’m under attack, and there’s nothing I can do about it, apart from roll over and let him kick me around some more, i.e., give him all he wants and submit to his stupid manipulative passive aggressive tactics.
And here I am, wasting my blog energy spewing this stuff out. But it helps me to air it. Otherwise, my composure is held together by the finest of threads, stretched to its near limit, on the verge of snapping.
I’m too close in. Take it to the 30,000 ft level, and what do I see?
Bottom line – he doesn’t want to pay child support. It’s as simple as that. I don’t have to get sucked into his threats and shenanigans that revolve around this subject. They all do. What can I do about this? Nothing. (Well, I could cancel the child support order, which is what he wants.) When my five year old goes on a whining bender, what can I do but ignore him? If I acknowledge him, it provides attention, which is what he seeks. Perhaps the best thing to do here, therefore, is to ignore as well. If he tries to take me to court, I can get a lawyer to deal with him.
Another bottom line – he is scorned. Why else would he accuse me of having boy toys and flavor of the month men? He doesn’t get to live happily ever after with me, so he must attack any attempts I make toward the pursuit of a happily ever after for myself. And what can I do about this? Again, nothing. It’s an attack, but there’s no reason for me to acknowledge it or allow it to hurt me.
That’s that, then.
